Holidays and family spoiled by illness... It's that time of year!

It is Thanksgiving morning as I write this. I am enjoying my quiet time as the family sleeps in. Extra time to blog because I'm not cooking today ... more on that later.

Wash hands to help prevent illness!

Yesterday was a typical day in our office for a day before a holiday. Sick kids came in with parents hoping for an insta-cure so they could enjoy the holiday with the extended family. A few wanted to fly back home with a febrile child and wanted our okay -- but of course didn't get it because even on an antibiotic they could spread illness if it is a virus, which most illnesses are. Some parents just called in because they were already out of town when their child got sick and they wanted to know what will make them better before the turkey celebration.

I'm sure most parents knew deep down that the answer would be "time". There is no insta-cure for most illnesses. Anyone with fever, cough, sore throat, or other ill symptoms should be kept away from the festivities. Even if the fever goes down with a fever reducer. Even if the last fever was before bed last night and it's down this morning. Fever can wax and wane and one needs to be fever-free (without a medication to bring it down) for 24 hours before we really consider it gone. People are most contagious when they are running a fever and the first few days of illness.

It stinks. I know. As a parent with a teen who has had a cough for over a week and is sleeping a disrupted 16-18 hours a day, I will miss Thanksgiving with extended family to avoid the spread of illness. Could we go? Sure. He hasn't run a fever all week. He's old enough that he can wash hands, cough into his elbow, and stay out of everyone's way. But he'd be miserable. And if one of the little ones got sick, I'd feel awful. Even if they got it elsewhere, I'd wonder if it was from him.

So I get it. It really stinks. Family from Tennessee and California are in town. We rarely see them and I want the cousins to get to know one another. But my teen isn't feeling well and I don't want the cousins to feel this way. I haven't started him on antibiotics to make him better faster because I know they wouldn't work. We are using a humidifier, lots of sleep, and waiting. He's refusing the nasal wash unfortunately... but I keep offering it!

This holiday season I wish everyone health, but if someone is sick, stay home. Don't spread the germs.

For more information on treating illnesses, see these links:

Fever
Cough and colds
Ear pain and infections
Wheezing in infants
Croup
Influenza
Tamiflu
Vomiting and diarrhea
Pink eye and other red eyes
Strep throat
Painful urination
Cough Medicines: Which One's Best?
Evolution of Illness

Private discussions with the pediatrician

photo source: Shutterstock

Every once in awhile a parent will tell the nurse that they want the child out of the room to discuss an issue with with the doctor privately. This is usually something they perceive as a negative thing for the child to hear, such as the child being overweight or having behavior problems.

While I understand the parent's intentions, I find this to be disruptive and counter productive. As much as I try to find an excuse to have a child leave, it is usually obvious that the nurse keeps them out longer than needed.

If we have the child leave the room, he knows something is up. We are talking about him. But not sharing with him. What could possibly be so bad that we won't talk to him about it? (How do you feel when you suspect people are talking about you?)

Then there's the issue of any patient needs to know what the issue is so we can address it. My guess is most of these kids already know what the concerns are. They need help working on them. If they are overweight, we need to talk about what they eat, how they exercise, and how they sleep. If it's behavior problems, they need to give insight into how they feel and what leads to the behaviors. They need to be a part of the plan to fix the problems. If they aren't on board, they won't change their habits. I can talk about weight (or behavior, or drugs, or whatever the concern is) sensitively and in an age appropriate manner with the child. The kids at school are likely talking about it in a not-so-sensitive manner, so it's best to not make it worse by secretly discussing it.

If a parent really wants to let a physician know specific points without the child present, find a way to do that outside of a visit with the child.

Send in a letter or secure electronic message with your concerns before the appointment. Be sure it's at least a few days before the appointment so the doctor has a chance to review it!

Schedule a consult appointment for just parents to come in without the child.

Call in advance to tell the phone nurse your concerns so she can pass it on to the physician.

Don't bring siblings to an appointment where you want to discuss a private matter about another child.

All of these means allow the physician (or other provider) to know your concerns without blatantly kicking a child out to talk about something privately.

 

What kids need to be able to do to leave the nest...

photo source: Shutterstock

It's graduation season, which has me thinking of all the ways our kids grow over the years. They're born, then just a few years later they are in kindergarten. In just a blink of the eye they get a locker in middle school. Then high school is over. The world awaits...

Where does the time go?

I have one who will be starting high school next year, and have spent a lot of time reflecting about at all he's learned and what he needs to learn to be successful, independent, healthy and happy.

I have never really thought that school is about learning the actual subjects. It is more about learning how to learn. How to organize. How to be responsible. I have always told my kids I don't care what grade they get as long as they learn what they need to and do their best.

Home life is also a process of learning. We learn how to live healthily and respectfully with others. We learn to take care of ourselves. We learn to be responsible with money. Ideally we learn to argue a point without losing control of our emotions or being hurtful.

In all of this reflection, I came up with a list that I have shared with my kids, and I invite you to share it with yours.

Things you should be able to do independently before leaving home:

Good hygiene habits

• Brush teeth twice daily. Floss once a day. 
• Shower or bathe daily. Wash hair as needed for oil control. 
• Wash hands often. 
• Shave as needed. 
• Flush.
• Brush hair at least daily and get a hair cut regularly. 
• Clip and groom nails regularly, fingers and toes. 
• Use personal hygiene products correctly, including: deodorant, facial acne cleansers, etc. 
• Wear clean clothes and change underclothing daily. 

Healthy habits

• Get adequate sleep to wake fresh and ready for the day. Set an alarm and get up on your own. 
• Eat healthy foods and limit junk food and sodas. Be able to prepare simple healthy meals. 
• Take vitamins daily. 
• Understand common over the counter medicine indications and how much to take.
• Understand why you are taking medications (if you are), how to take them, and what is needed to get more -- is it over the counter or a prescription medicine?
• Know your medical history, including any allergies and chronic health care problems.
• Know how to take care of common injuries until they are healed. 
• Exercise regularly, at least 3 times a week. 
• Develop healthy strategies to handle stress. 

• Journal 
• Prayer or meditation 
• Sketch or other artwork
• Talk to someone openly—don’t hold bad feelings in! 
• Take a long bath 
• Think before speaking 
• Deep breathing 
• Laugh 
• Exercise 
• Schedule down time 
• Think about the problem from different points of view 
• Break big projects into small parts to be able to complete in parts 
• List the good things going on and be positive 
• Avoid overscheduling
• Learn to say "no"

• Enjoy social interactions as well as alone time. 
• Exercise the brain by doing puzzles or reading.

Things to learn

• How to cook a healthy, balanced meal. 
• How to grocery shop on a budget to incorporate nutritional balance.
• How to properly clean dishes and tidy up the kitchen after eating.
• How to balance a check book, make a budget, and pay bills on time.
• How to do easy repairs around the house.
• Understand health insurance plans - how to get them, what they cover, what is excluded.
• Basics of money investment, retirement planning, savings.
• What to do in case of a road side emergency.
• Important numbers (doctor, dentist, insurance, etc).
• How to do laundry.
• How to clean a bathroom, use a vacuum, and dust.
• How to sew basic clothing repairs (buttons, hems, etc).
• How to get help when needed.
• How to apply for a job and build a resume.
• Choose words carefully: they can build someone up or crush someone down. 
• Drugs and alcohol should be treated with respect and used only with good judgment. This judgment should take into consideration laws and safety. Our brain does not fully develop until the early/mid 20s and early use of drugs or alcohol increases the risk of addiction.

Be a good friend and responsible family member

• Be clear with plans: Look at the family calendar when making plans. Get permission from all parents involved; let family know where you will be and when you will be home. 
• Keep a phone available to be able to call when needed. Answer calls/texts from parents! 
• Treat everyone with respect: family, teachers, friends, and strangers. 
• Require that others treat you with respect. 
• Do random acts of kindness occasionally. 
• Volunteer regularly.
• If you feel unsafe, leave the situation. Tell a trusted adult as soon as possible. 
• Do only things you and your parents will be proud of. 

Things to do to show you are getting ready to leave the nest...

• Complete assigned homework and chores without reminders or nagging. 
• Keep your room picked up and clothes off the floor. 
• Hang your towel to allow it to dry between uses. 
• Clear dishes from the table. 
• Clean up after projects or play. Return all things to their proper place after using them. 
• Throw all trash in the trashcan. Recycle things that are recyclable. 
• Responsible use of cell phone, computer, and other electronics. Turn off before bedtime to allow uninterrupted sleep. 
• Spend and save money responsibly. Never spend more than you can afford. Use credit cards wisely.
• Take pride in your work: schoolwork, chores, job, and helping others. Do it to the best of your ability and ask nicely for help as needed. Recognize that work is not always fun, but necessary. Doing tasks with a good attitude will help. 
• Time organization skills: Do not procrastinate until the last minute. Plan ahead and do big projects in small steps. Be prepared with all materials you will need for a project and ask in advance if you need help acquiring items. Use tools (apps, calendar, check lists). 
• Take care of your things. Keep them in proper working order, clean, and put away. 
• Drive responsibly. 
• Accept consequences with grace. 
• Earn trust. 
• Know when to trust and follow others and when to take your own path. Make independent decisions based on your own morals. Have the courage to say "no" if something goes against your beliefs.

Stepping outside my comfort zone

Getting ready to start in our party scene!

This past week I was on vacation from my day job to be an active parent.

Sometimes we need that.

I really had to step outside of my comfort zone for this parenting act -- being in the cast of Clara's Dream (a version of The Nutcracker).  Parents often do things we never thought we would for our kids.  We intentionally put our nose to a probably dirty diaper to be sure it needs to be changed. We forego sleep to take care of kids. We take care of their needs before our own routinely.  They change us in many ways for the better.

For years my daughter has loved to perform on stage for theater and dance. She has asked on several occasions for me to audition for "family shows" where they allow parents of students to be in the cast. Each time she has asked, I answered with a firm "No".  I have never acted or danced. I prefer one-on-one conversations, not large groups - and definitely not the stage!

Several months ago she asked and I actually considered it. I had already requested vacation for that week due to show week always getting crazy with time constraints. Rehearsals were later in the evenings, so they wouldn't interfere with work. As I thought about it, I considered the joy of being an active part of her favorite activity and put away my fears of being on stage.  (Of course the fear returned each time we were called backstage to line up for the scene- but it was too late to turn back then!) It was an act of faith because I had never seen the show and knew little about what I was signing up to do.  I figured parents would mostly be "background" people and didn't realize we would learn dance steps and actually be a part of the scene. No, I didn't have to do ballet - just a Victorian ballroom style dance.

It was fun to be a part of my daughter's life in a way that will always have a special memory. Call it working mom guilt, but I want to make special memories in addition to daily quality time.  Quality time is not spent watching tv with kids, but doing things together.  Some things are small, like taking a walk or playing a game. Some things are more memorable because they are unique.

Not only did I get some great times with my daughter, I also met a number of fun people in the process.  Spending so much time with other parents of dancers was a great bonding experience in itself. And I got to know some of the students and teachers my daughter works with on a regular basis at dance classes.  It is always a good idea to know the people that hang out with the kids!

So when your kids ask you to do something and your first thought is "no way", take a moment to think about it. You might just change your mind and grow with your child!

Bow time... my "German son" is blocking me.

To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.  – Anonymous

Chores for kids become chores for parents?

As a parent I see the great value of chores for kids.

• Anyone can learn the satisfication of completing a task, improving self confidence.  
• Young children can improve self care competence such as with bathing and dental hygiene. 
• Older kids can learn money appreciation and management if they are paid and expected to save some and share some of their well-earned money.  Learning to save for a large ticket-item and not spend frivolously is a great life lesson many adults missed.
• Older kids can establish a great attitude about work and learn real-world skills such as laundry, cooking, and cleaning.  
• Kids might even gain self esteem by the positive intrinsic reward of a job well done.  
• They learn responsibility.

The downside?

Chores for the kids often make work on the parents harder.  (Who said parenting is easy?)

Parents must decide what tasks are able to be done by children at various stages of maturity.  There are on-line resources available to help guide parents.  This is one place I disagree with the WebMD list because they say a 10 year old can mow the lawn--not recommended by the AAP until 12 years!

Some good lists: Workingmom.com, Focus on the Family, Chores-Help-Kids

Parents must make sure the chores are completed or set a means of monitoring what is done. Ideally chores would be accomplished without fighting and whining, but how?  Verbal praise and acknowledgment is always a winner.  If parents choose to reward chores with stickers, gifts, or money, there must be a way to track when a task is complete.

Consistency is key in any form of discipline, and this includes the tracking of chores.  The biggest reason chores fail in my house is we (the parents) forget to check the lists to be sure the kids did them.  Having a consequence for not doing the expected chores versus getting a reward for doing the list... behavior experts disagree on these points.

Many behavior experts recommend to not remind kids to do chores.  They feel that the negative consequences of not doing the chores will teach the lesson better than the constant nagging to do the chores.  I have found that without reminders the chores are simply not done, but this does not mean I must always directly remind.  Praising the initiation ("I'm glad you are getting your homework done early tonight!"  "I see you remembered to sort your laundry, that's the hardest part!") is often an effective way to get kids to complete the task.  There is a fine line between nagging the kids to do the expected things and letting the chores slip by without being completed.

Over the years we have had many means of keeping track of chores in my family.

• When the kids were young, we first tried a dry erase board, but that got erased too easily.
• We then found a simple paper chart each week that had lists that could earn stickers. I liked the format because it separated tasks into the general categories below, but we often forgot to mark things off at the end of a busy day, so there was little reinforcement for the kids to do the chores.  The categories of chores:

• Self: included things such as brush teeth, bathe, get dressed 
• Home: included things such as pick up toys in living room
• Room: included things such as pick up room, make bed
• School: included things such as help a friend, homework, pack backpack

• One of my favorites was a system called 10-20-30Go! that friends developed.  It was wonderful because it is based on the kids taking full responsibility for marking down what they did. It is simple and includes a strong family and faith base.  It was one of the longest running systems that worked for us, but as all systems, it also faded in follow through.   A big reason was that we often had activities that interfered with the family meeting night, no matter what night of the week we tried to do it.  (Family meeting nights are still a great thing, but difficult in a busy house!)  We also found that the kids didn't look forward to their allowance, so it was little reinforcement to do the tasks.  They might have been too young at the time.
• Another favorite system of mine due to ease of use, cost (free), and kid -centered responsibility is MyJobChart.  It works well for kids who can use the internet fairly independently.  My kids can log in to their account and mark the chores as they do them, or once a day.  They earn points, which they can choose to share (with pre-determined charities), spend (on items I help pick), or save (for the future!)  I like many features of this system, but it still has periods that my kids forget about it for weeks, then periods that we all remember again.  They still do their chores (or they have no clean clothes the following week... or whatever natural consequence follows the forgotten chore) but they don't always mark them down for credit.

What do you find helps to keep your kids up to date on their chore list?