Violence... I think parents can help prevent from home

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I, like most of you, am horrified by the event's of last week's shooting. I have read countless articles in the aftermath about talking with kids, safety in schools, gun control, and even mental health services needing to improve.

I keep wondering if there is something each parent can do at home to help the future.

Violence in the media is constant. It is becoming more graphic and violent. Children do not have the ability to separate fantasy and reality, which makes them more vulnerable to altering behaviors depending on what they are exposed to. Until the last part of our brain matures during adulthood, we have not fully developed self control, emotional regulation, and judgement. So for those of you who think your children or teens are mature, they are still developing important parts of their brain!

If we limit exposure to violence, would it help prevent violence? If children are exposed to less violence at home and in the media, can we cultivate a society of people who can work through conflict in a civil manner?  It's been shown in study after study that violence exposure leads to violent behaviors. What about the opposite? Model positive behaviors and limit negative exposures to encourage healthy development of behaviors.

Research shows that the more violent video games kids play, the more violent they become. Very young children exposed to aggressive acts on television will be more aggressive with their play. There is even long term effects from early exposures. A study showed that men who were high TV violence viewers as children were significantly more likely to be physically aggressive with their spouse and to be convicted of a crime at three times the risk of other men. Women with high TV violence exposures as children were four times as likely as other women to be physically violent.

Parents: you can't "take back" early exposures. Don't wait until you are worried about your child/teen's behavior. Prevent it!

Some limits to violence are more difficult to enforce than others.

If kids live in violent homes, they are vulnerable on many levels. Recognizing these at risk kids and helping their situation improve or remove them from the situation is very difficult. There are free online resources to help (use a safe computer if you are at risk!) Even if you are not in an abusive situation, learn to recognize signs that someone is. You could save a life! SafeHome provides education and assistance for those in need in the Kansas City area.  The Hotline is a nationwide hotline that also has educational information on its website. 

When our children are at other homes, we don't always know the parenting styles or supervision as we do at home. Get to know the parents of your children's friends. Let them know your expectations of what your child can/cannot watch or play. Talk to your children and teens about what they do elsewhere. 

Easier fixes involve the media. (Note: I didn't say easy. I said easier.)

Remove the televisions and other electronics from bedrooms. They cut down on sleep (sleep deprivation adds to poor decision making and behaviors) and allow private, unsupervised viewing. 

Parents should screen what their children watch and play for age appropriateness. I have heard many parents say something to the effect of "He's always been around shows like this, and is not scared. He loves to watch them." Why is he not scared, if his age would typically be scared? Is he already desensitized? That scares me. Check out free on-line reviews from a reputable site, such as Common Sense Media, before deciding if something is appropriate for your child. Choose appropriate times that do not allow younger children to be exposed.

Listen to the music your children and teens enjoy and check out their reviews on Common Sense Media. Many songs promote partner violence, fighting, and sexual violence. Songs have a way of getting into our head. Fill their brains with healthy lyrics, not brainwashing songs that promote any form of dangerous behaviors!

Set maximum times children and teens may have screen time. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests no more than 10 hours per week for children over 2 years of age. No screen time is recommended for children under 2 years. Remember that screen time includes television, movies, video games, social media, and all other things on a screen. 

Learn the technologies your children are using. If your child or teen is playing online, you need to learn how to set parental controls and monitor what has happened on line.

I am not advocating that families should never enjoy an age- appropriate movie or video game. We actually went to see The Hobbit last night. Although it is PG-13, I read reviews and decided that it was appropriate for my 11 year old. She has a strong sense of reality vs fantasy and was able to sit through the show without being scared at all. (She felt it was "boring" and too long.) It wouldn't be good for all 11 year olds though, and I don't think I would have taken her much younger. Point: parents must know their child, have the facts, and make educated decisions. Don't just say "yes" because it's easy!

And finally, the best parent is an active parent. Participate in activities with your children. Build up their self confidence. Talk to them about what's on their mind. Show them you care. Set limits and stick to them. Give healthy physical contact (hugs, high five, back pat, tickles) often, no matter how old they are, unless it makes them uncomfortable. Tell them you love them. Be their rock.  



Sources:

"Impact of Media Violence Tips." Reviews and Ratings for Family Movies, TV Shows, Websites, Video Games, Books and Music. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

"The Teenage Brain-- Why Do Teenagers Think Differently than Adults?" The Teenage Brain-- Why Do Teenagers Think Differently than Adults? N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

"Childhood Exposure To Media Violence Predicts Young Adult Aggressive Behavior, According To A New 15-Year Study." Childhood Exposure To Media Violence Predicts Young Adult Aggressive Behavior, According To A New 15-Year Study. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

"The Impact of Media Violence on Children and Adolescents: Opportunities for Clinical Interventions | American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry." The Impact of Media Violence on Children and Adolescents: Opportunities for Clinical Interventions | American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

"Media Violence." Media Violence. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, so it is a great time to learn about this all too common problem.

Teen Dating Violence is a very difficult and complex topic.  Teens might share friends with their abusive partner. Their friends might think the abuser is wonderful, lending to peer pressure to stay together. They typically go to school together, so it is difficult to avoid each other entirely.  Teens might fear trying to leave the relationship safely.  If teens have lived with domestic abuse at home, they might even think the abuse is normal.  The abusive behaviors tend to lower the victim's self esteem, making leaving feel less desirable since they feel no one else will ever care about them and a bad relationship is preferable to being alone.  They often have feelings of love and attachment to the abuser, and hope that behaviors will change.  Online teens can experience cyberbullying even when not with their (ex-) partner. There are often no physical signs, but the emotional scars can last a lifetime. Learning about abuse characteristics can help save someone you love from a dangerous relationship!

Nearly 1 in 10 high school students report being physically hurt by their boyfriend or girlfriend in the previous year.  (CDC 2009 Youth Risk Behavior Survey)

1 in 10 = TEN PERCENT of high school kids in the past year were hit, slapped, or otherwise physically hurt by their date!

The Liz Claiborne Inc.'s Love is Not Abuse 2011 College Dating Violence and Abuse Poll showed that 43% of dating college women have experienced violent and abusive dating behaviors.

That's nearly HALF of college dating women who have been victims!  

I remember as a medical student working ER shifts or in the STD clinic and seeing several college girls come in for suspected sex while drunk (they never called it rape) or after unplanned/undesired sex with a "boyfriend".  They typically just wanted testing for disease, but what they really needed was much more!  They had mixed emotions and were confused about who was at fault.  They had a lot of guilt that really was misplaced (in my opinion).

Though females are more likely to be the victims (1 in 4 women have been assaulted by a partner), 1 in 14 men report being victims.  Regardless of sex, it is likely that abusive relationships are underreported due to the nature of the problem.

We see news stories of abusive relationships but it doesn't always seem real. A new bride murdered.  A teen raped.  A sports figure accused.  Unfortunately we don't even know about most abusive relationships. People suffer silently.  How is a parent to know?  Can a teen see risk factors before becoming involved with a risky personality?

Parents might look for the "type" of teen that they want their child to steer away from, but unfortunately, the abusers are not easily identified.

They typically are very smart, personable, likable people.

They manipulate others.

They gain trust.

They weave deception.


What it might look like: 

The relationship typically starts out well.  A lot of laughs, good times.  If it didn't, people would leave.  Abusers have a power and control cycle that builds over time. They gain a little trust, then test with a little control.

Bit by bit they become more controlling and abusive.  It builds so slowly many people miss the early warning signs and then are so swept by the cycle that it is hard to leave.

Abusers want to know your every move, which at first might even seem flattering, but it is a control tactic. They might chose what you wear or where you go. They monitor your phone calls to see who you talk to.  They isolate you from your friends and even family so you lose your support group.  They put you down so you feel no one else would like you or want you.  They make you feel less of a person and they are "good" to put up with you.

They get jealous (again, flattering on the outset because they "care").  They often apologize for hurting you, but then claim it is your fault that they behave that way. In truth, they blame others for most of their behaviors and only take credit when things make them look good.

What to do?

There are many levels that need to be addressed to prevent and recognize abusive relationships, starting with how we raise our children from infancy and continuing throughout their lives.

Children who are raised in homes with abusive behaviors are much more likely to grow up to be in an abusive relationship.  If your home is not safe make every attempt to make it so.  Stop the cycle!

Abusers often monitor your computer and phone use, so use caution.  

From a safe computer, click here if you are in the KC area.  From a safe phone call 913-262-2868 (phones answered 24/7 confidentially at SafeHome).

We need children to feel loved and secure.  Children who feel unloved might look for love in all the wrong places, trying to please others and end up being taken advantage of.  Love unconditionally!

Kids need defined limits, but an ability to learn and grow into independence with experience.  Being firm and setting boundaries is an important part of being a loving parent.  You are NOT their friend. You don't need to be a friend to be an effective, loving, parent who is well loved and respected.

Kids need help learning to stand up for themselves and to deal with anger and disappointment in a healthy way.  Set an example for this.  Life typically presents many opportunities to model these behavior.  If you have not learned to control your temper, learn.  Ensure enough sleep for everyone at home, as we are all more short tempered when tired. Choose words carefully.  Remain calm.  Of course you can't be a pushover either.  There is a way to stand firm in your position without yelling and losing your temper.  There are many self-help books on this topic and counseling is available.  It is that important!

Kids need to learn to accept responsibility.  Responsibility should grow as kids grow.  They should have appropriate consequences that teach lessons along the way.

Remind teens that they are never to blame if someone forces them to do something sexually they don't want to do. They need to feel open to share this pain with you or another trusted adult so they can get the help and support they need.

Kids need respect.  Do unto others as you would have done unto you. These words of wisdom have passed through the generations, and are needed as much now as they were generations ago.

They should be taught to respect themselves in all they do: eat nutritionally, exercise, get enough sleep, wear helmets, buckle up, stay away from drugs, etc.

They should be taught to respect others: say nice things, don't ask others to do things that might cause them harm, respect their personal space and things, etc.

They should enforce that others treat them with respect. If a friend does not treat them with respect, they can try first to talk with the friend about it if they feel safe doing so. If the friend does not change behaviors, they should leave the friendship. 

How can parents and teens recognize signs of potential abuse?  Use your instincts. If you suspect something is not right, act on your hunch and take action to address issues and leave the relationship early if problem behaviors persist.  Get help from local resources as needed.

Things to watch for with an abusive relationship:

• Relationship moves quickly to "serious"
• Jealousy in the relationship 
• Frequent calls, texts, and other contacts  
• Control issues in the relationship
• Isolation from family and friends
• Mood swings, anxiety, or depression
• Physical signs: bruises, cuts, scrapes, showering immediately when coming home
• Verbal criticisms are overheard: stupid, fat, ugly, no one else would put up with you, etc
• Abused feels guilty and "at fault" and makes excuses for their partner
• Personality changes in the abused
• Drug or alcohol use
• Multiple sexual partners

What are signs of an abusive personality or one who is likely to abuse? Abusers do not look like drug dealing, tattoo covered, pierced people in tattered clothing. They are difficult to recognize on first glance because they tend to be popular, good looking, and personable.  They are often *good at reading people and responding to other's desires, making them seem "perfect" initially.

Traits to watch for in an abuser: 

• One who blames others for all problems
• One who wants to move quickly into a relationship
• One who does not respect personal boundaries
• One who is easily jealous 
• One who is insulting (you're fat, you're stupid, no one else would love you like I do)
• One who has a history of hitting or hurting others
• One who criticizes others
• One who takes little personal responsibility for actions
• One who tries to monopolize your time and life
• One who seems perfect initially (no one's perfect!)
• One who has mood swings or can't manage anger or frustration well
• One who takes big risks and is impulsive
• One who wants to control what you wear, who you are with, and what you do

Where to go for more help:

Be Smart. Be Well

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

Love Is Not Abuse

National Network to End Domestic Violence

Safe Home

Teen Dating Violence