Talk About Bullying With Your Kids

Bullying. Fist fights. Cyberbullying. Mean girls. Playground scuffles.

There are many labels and many variations on the same theme. Kids aren't always nice. Even nice kids get caught up in mean behaviors. We all remember being young and getting picked on. Or maybe we were the instigator of trouble. Chances are we've been on both sides of the line. Whatever roll we had, we know that this is not new behavior. But that doesn't make it any easier for parents to watch their kids suffer at the words and actions of other kids.

photo source: Shutterstock

We all need to talk with our kids often about their lives: what they are doing, how they feel about things, what they are looking forward to, dislikes, and more. Many kids clam up when it's time to open up, and sometimes the best thing for a parent to say is simply, "I'm here if you want to talk later."

Sometimes a general talk about bullying behaviors is a good idea, whether you suspect some bullying is going on or not. As with most things, a little prevention is worth a pound of cure.

If you see your own child saying or doing something that could be interpreted as mean, pull them aside and point it out as soon as possible so the memory is fresh in their mind. Children and young teens often don't even realize what they've said or done can be taken in a negative way. Don't punish or yell at them for the words. Don't belittle them. Making them angry will only block their mind to seeing another point of view. Use this time as a teaching moment to point out what was said. They might not get it right away, but later you can role play and see if they can understand better in a different situation.

I've put together things to use as talking points. Don't try to tackle this all in one sitting. Talk about one subtopic at a time, but talk often.

What else would you add?

• A small comment that seems to not be so bad to you can make someone else feel awful, even if you didn't intend for it to be. Those comments often come out of the blue and you don't give it a second thought, but the other person can dwell on its negativity for a long time. Even worse are the comments that are repeated over time. 
• You cannot change what others do or say, but you can change how you respond to what they do and say. 
• If you did or said something hurtful, it can't be taken back, but you can ask for forgiveness.

• If you know you're tired or in a bad mood, try to be extra careful before you say anything. 
• Don't send texts when you're angry, sad, or tired. 
• Don't reply to a text that makes you angry, scared, or sad. Show an adult if it is a threatening text or if it really upsets you.
• If you have negative thoughts, keep them to yourself. This might mean that you think someone got something they didn't deserve, someone's a teacher's pet, or their hair is awful. Whatever. Nothing good comes from sharing a negative opinion. In the end, people will see that you are negative and won't want to be around you as much if you share those thoughts. 
• If in doubt about saying or sending something, save the thought overnight and see if you still think it needs to be said. Think about the wording to make it constructive and not destructive if it does need to be said. Talk to an adult if you're not sure.
• If you wouldn't say something to someone's face, don't say it at all.
• If you hear someone saying something negative, tell them to stop. Let them know you don't like hearing negative comments. This might teach them what they are saying is hurtful, because sometimes people don't realize what they are saying. They can learn to be a nicer person- what a great friend you can be to help them in this way! If they don't change their behaviors over a few days or weeks after being told what they are doing (depending on how severely or intentionally they are being hurtful) then you need to tell an adult. Doing nothing or agreeing with them puts you down to the level of being a bully, even if you didn't start it. If you don't feel comfortable telling them to stop, leave. If you stay, you’re part of the cruelty. Leaving means you refuse to be part. If they don't have an audience they won't continue.
• If you realize that something you said was hurtful to someone, talk to them about it. If you have a hard time talking face to face, a nice note can work. Have a trusted adult help you wordsmith what you will say so the words don't get twisted. You must be careful to not put blame back on the person or put them down again when you apologize. It can be tricky to find the right words, but it is possible. 
• Texting is a dangerous way to communicate emotional or sensitive issues. It is great for simple questions and answers, but short phrases in texts can easily be misunderstood or incomplete. If you are disagreeing with someone, do not use texts to talk it out. Remember that anything shared electronically is public and permanent. Even if you think you are sending it to just one person, there are many ways for it to be seen by others. These words and pictures can be very hurtful. Never send anything you wouldn't want to put on a sign on your front door for all to see.
• Kids are often afraid to tell adults things for many reasons. It is okay to tell an adult if you are trying to help someone or yourself, but not if you are trying to get someone in trouble. Think about it. There's a difference. 

Positives drown out the negatives...

• Every day write down (or discuss as a family) one thing that you really appreciate or are grateful for. It can be anything, but think of things that really mean something to you. It can be as simple as a person said something really nice when you were feeling down, or you did well on a test you studied hard for. It doesn't have to be a huge thing like winning the lottery, but it should be something that you really feel thankful or happy about. Focusing on the good things really helps keep life in a healthy perspective. It can help protect you from the negative effects of other people's behavior.
• Smiling really can make you feel better, so try it.  
• If you see a friend struggling because negative things have been said, say kind words to him or her. Be extra nice to him or her so they know they aren't alone.
• Praise people when they say nice things. Recognize the kindness. Make it contagious!
• Try to do something nice or say something nice to at least one person each day. Notice the response over time in yourself as well as others.

Everyone needs a circle of respect. You don't have to like everyone, but you need to treat everyone with respect.

• Respect yourself enough to do what is right. Eat right. Exercise. Get 9-10 hours of sleep each night. Don't take unnecessary risks, such as smoking or drinking alcohol. 
• Respect others. Say kind words and keep negative thoughts to yourself. Don't make anyone else do something they aren't comfortable doing. Don't make fun of people. 
• Be sure people respect you. If someone says or does something that you feel is disrespectful, let them know. If they don't change their behaviors, avoid them and find other people to have fun with. Get away from people who make you uncomfortable or scared immediately. Find new friends if your friends repeatedly disrespect you. Get help from an adult when needed.

Cell Phone and Social Media Etiquette

My family was recently on vacation, so I was in public areas more than normal. To say I was surprised by all the people enjoying their cell phones more than their company is not correct. "Saddened" is a better word. Why do people who are out together spend so much of their time avoiding their friends and family who are with them? It isn't uncommon any more to see a table of people all looking at their smart phones. What is our society coming to? How will our children learn to interact with others appropriately?

As a physician who must take phone calls for work, some of which might be true urgent calls (true emergencies should be called to 911), I still don't answer my phone most of the time. It is okay for people to leave messages. Returning a call after excusing myself from my family or friends within a short time is much more considerate for all involved. I find it beneficial too since I can listen to a message, get my thoughts in order before returning the call, and I have a record of the call to document later in a patient's chart. Most people simply answer a phone call or text because they can. Or they scan a social media site when they should be talking with others face to face.

A friend shared a blog today on her Facebook page that I found interesting and timely. It is from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Council on Communications and Media (COCM) and had a list of phone etiquette rules for kids. As I read it, I thought of some more rules that could (should, in my opinion) be used by all.

Here are my suggestions. In no particular order:

• It’s okay to let people leave a message. If the phone rings when you are in a conversation, ignore it unless you’re expecting an important call. For routine calls, use a conversation break to excuse yourself and state you need to return a call or text. 
• Important calls still deserve respect. If you are expecting an important call, alert those with you ahead of time that you might need to excuse yourself when your phone rings. This lets them know that you aren’t just taking a routine call when the phone rings and they are still important to you. 
• Go to a quiet place to return calls and texts. This is not only polite to the people in the room, but it also reminds you that there are people who are waiting for you to return. 
• Be with those with you. Make eye contact when you are talking to people. Don’t keep checking your phone ~ it makes it seem like those with you are less important than whatever you are seeing on your phone. Messages will be there later! 
• Limit bragging. Don’t upload and share pictures of everything you do with friends. This might unknowingly hurt another friend’s feelings if they weren’t invited to join. Or friends will get bored and tune you out. 
• No phones at the table. Leave your phone out of sight and on silent when eating. Unless everyone puts their phones in the center of the table with a “No touch” rule, all phones should be hidden and ignored during a meal. Talk to those at the table. Enjoy their company. Most calls can wait a few minutes for you to finish your meal. 
• Keep the noise down. Turn the ringer off when you are in any public place. If you are alone and on your phone, keep your voice to a normal talking level so you don’t disrupt others around you. Better yet – go outside to take a call. 
• Keep phones on silent and put away when at school, work, or in a professional setting (such as at a checkout line at the store or at a doctor's office). It is not only rude, but can get you in trouble with your teacher or boss. It limits the constructive time spent with you by the person you should be giving your full attention to.
• Incriminating or hurtful information doesn't belong. Don’t type, photograph or forward anything you wouldn’t want your parents, boss or principal to see. Remember that once you push send words and pictures will last forever on the web and could be seen by anyone if a friend saves or forwards it. It could come back to haunt you. If you would be embarrassed if your parent, grandparent, or neighbor sees it, don’t do it!
• Get help when needed. If you see something you think could hurt someone, or that indicates someone is hurting, tell a responsible trusted adult. You could save a life! Literally. 
• Don’t measure your value by how many “friends” you have, or all the cool things they seem to be doing. Your life is worth something, but you don’t have to broadcast it to everyone online. 
• Live life! Spend your time actually doing things, don’t waste it watching what others are doing or documenting every little thing you do. 
• Only “friend” people you know in person. Even if they know a friend of a friend, they are not your friend. Be safe and only friend real friends and family. Make your privacy settings private so others who you don't know can't see your posts.
• Never give personal information to people you don't know. Be careful that others might share your posts, so avoid using your team names, school name, and other identifying information. Turn off your camera's GPS if you take pictures that will allow a stranger to know where you are.
• Never share passwords with anyone but your parents. And always let your parents know your passwords. They have your best interests at heart and can help you stay safe online. 
• Never answer a text while driving (or even walking). This really doesn’t need any explanation. Texting distracts you from getting to where you need to be safely. 
• Avoid taking calls when driving. Any distraction to driving is a distraction. The really cool thing with cell phones is that they all have voice mail. That means people can leave messages. And you can call them back from a safe place. Brilliant! If you must take a call when driving, use a hands-free device for added safety. Be aware of state laws restricting some drivers of any phone use.
• Keep phones out of your bedroom. Use a public area of the home to charge phones overnight. This prevents your phone from waking you at all hours of the night. Sleep is important, and just because your friend has insomnia doesn’t mean you need to answer their call!    

Violence... I think parents can help prevent from home

Source: Shutterstock

I, like most of you, am horrified by the event's of last week's shooting. I have read countless articles in the aftermath about talking with kids, safety in schools, gun control, and even mental health services needing to improve.

I keep wondering if there is something each parent can do at home to help the future.

Violence in the media is constant. It is becoming more graphic and violent. Children do not have the ability to separate fantasy and reality, which makes them more vulnerable to altering behaviors depending on what they are exposed to. Until the last part of our brain matures during adulthood, we have not fully developed self control, emotional regulation, and judgement. So for those of you who think your children or teens are mature, they are still developing important parts of their brain!

If we limit exposure to violence, would it help prevent violence? If children are exposed to less violence at home and in the media, can we cultivate a society of people who can work through conflict in a civil manner?  It's been shown in study after study that violence exposure leads to violent behaviors. What about the opposite? Model positive behaviors and limit negative exposures to encourage healthy development of behaviors.

Research shows that the more violent video games kids play, the more violent they become. Very young children exposed to aggressive acts on television will be more aggressive with their play. There is even long term effects from early exposures. A study showed that men who were high TV violence viewers as children were significantly more likely to be physically aggressive with their spouse and to be convicted of a crime at three times the risk of other men. Women with high TV violence exposures as children were four times as likely as other women to be physically violent.

Parents: you can't "take back" early exposures. Don't wait until you are worried about your child/teen's behavior. Prevent it!

Some limits to violence are more difficult to enforce than others.

If kids live in violent homes, they are vulnerable on many levels. Recognizing these at risk kids and helping their situation improve or remove them from the situation is very difficult. There are free online resources to help (use a safe computer if you are at risk!) Even if you are not in an abusive situation, learn to recognize signs that someone is. You could save a life! SafeHome provides education and assistance for those in need in the Kansas City area.  The Hotline is a nationwide hotline that also has educational information on its website. 

When our children are at other homes, we don't always know the parenting styles or supervision as we do at home. Get to know the parents of your children's friends. Let them know your expectations of what your child can/cannot watch or play. Talk to your children and teens about what they do elsewhere. 

Easier fixes involve the media. (Note: I didn't say easy. I said easier.)

Remove the televisions and other electronics from bedrooms. They cut down on sleep (sleep deprivation adds to poor decision making and behaviors) and allow private, unsupervised viewing. 

Parents should screen what their children watch and play for age appropriateness. I have heard many parents say something to the effect of "He's always been around shows like this, and is not scared. He loves to watch them." Why is he not scared, if his age would typically be scared? Is he already desensitized? That scares me. Check out free on-line reviews from a reputable site, such as Common Sense Media, before deciding if something is appropriate for your child. Choose appropriate times that do not allow younger children to be exposed.

Listen to the music your children and teens enjoy and check out their reviews on Common Sense Media. Many songs promote partner violence, fighting, and sexual violence. Songs have a way of getting into our head. Fill their brains with healthy lyrics, not brainwashing songs that promote any form of dangerous behaviors!

Set maximum times children and teens may have screen time. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests no more than 10 hours per week for children over 2 years of age. No screen time is recommended for children under 2 years. Remember that screen time includes television, movies, video games, social media, and all other things on a screen. 

Learn the technologies your children are using. If your child or teen is playing online, you need to learn how to set parental controls and monitor what has happened on line.

I am not advocating that families should never enjoy an age- appropriate movie or video game. We actually went to see The Hobbit last night. Although it is PG-13, I read reviews and decided that it was appropriate for my 11 year old. She has a strong sense of reality vs fantasy and was able to sit through the show without being scared at all. (She felt it was "boring" and too long.) It wouldn't be good for all 11 year olds though, and I don't think I would have taken her much younger. Point: parents must know their child, have the facts, and make educated decisions. Don't just say "yes" because it's easy!

And finally, the best parent is an active parent. Participate in activities with your children. Build up their self confidence. Talk to them about what's on their mind. Show them you care. Set limits and stick to them. Give healthy physical contact (hugs, high five, back pat, tickles) often, no matter how old they are, unless it makes them uncomfortable. Tell them you love them. Be their rock.  



Sources:

"Impact of Media Violence Tips." Reviews and Ratings for Family Movies, TV Shows, Websites, Video Games, Books and Music. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

"The Teenage Brain-- Why Do Teenagers Think Differently than Adults?" The Teenage Brain-- Why Do Teenagers Think Differently than Adults? N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

"Childhood Exposure To Media Violence Predicts Young Adult Aggressive Behavior, According To A New 15-Year Study." Childhood Exposure To Media Violence Predicts Young Adult Aggressive Behavior, According To A New 15-Year Study. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

"The Impact of Media Violence on Children and Adolescents: Opportunities for Clinical Interventions | American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry." The Impact of Media Violence on Children and Adolescents: Opportunities for Clinical Interventions | American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

"Media Violence." Media Violence. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

Humility: the Anti-Bully

October is National Bullying Prevention Month, a topic that is important to me because it affects most of us at some point or another.  I will post information all month on our facebook page about bullying.  I don't want to repeat details of recognizing and stopping bullying -- there will be lots of great information posted, keep watching our wall!

I want to talk more about learning how to prevent bullying from a different perspective.  The slippery slope of when friendly banter or bragging turns into hurt feelings.  The way kids treat family members can reflect on how they will treat friends and classmates. The way kids are treated by family members also shapes their behaviors.

Bullying varies in severity and type.  We all recognize severe verbal bullying and physical bullying, but there are shades of grey. When is it bullying and when is it just kids being kids?

Bullying is when kids hurt other kids on purpose, but what if it isn't on purpose?  Kids still feel hurt.  How can you tell if it was with intent to hurt or just a blunder?

• My team is better than your team.  Bullying or just a friendly competitive spirit?
• I got an A on my test!  Pride or making another feel small without knowing it?
• You got your hair cut? (in that voice)  Surprise reaction -- or does hurting feelings mean bulling?

Kids don't always recognize when they say something hurtful. They haven't learned to always think before speaking or acting.  This doesn't make the action acceptable, but it offers a teaching moment.

• Tell them when you hear words that can be hurtful. Ask how they would feel if someone said that to them.  
• Discuss how the look on the friend's face lets you know something is wrong.  Talk to kids about how to understand when another person looks hurt or changes their mood suddenly  it might be due to what was said or done.  When they see face changes or moods fall or become angry, they need to quickly think back to what was said.  They can ask the friend if they said something wrong.  They should apologize if the friend's feelings were hurt, whether the friend admits hurt feelings or not.
• Teach kids to speak up for themselves when someone says something hurtful.  Until their friends learn to recognize what they say is hurtful, they need to be told.  A friend will stop.  Hopefully the friend will apologize, but maybe they haven't been taught that yet.  Teach your kids to accept apologies and offer forgiveness. 

A bully will keep doing the same behaviors even after the behavior has been called to their attention.  Bullies tend to pick on kids who have less self confidence, so build up your kids. Let them know they are loved.  Teach kids that it is okay to ask an adult for help.

I believe that teaching core values and showing a child love can help prevent bullying.  This is counter to many of societies goals.  It involves a tricky balance between building self esteem with praise without over-inflating the ego or demanding perfection.  Love kids for who they are, not what they do.

Bullies are self-indulgent and impatient. They try to feel better or inflate their self esteem by putting others down, but don't feel happiness.  They blame others or the system for problems.  They often feel unfulfilled and need more out of life but they don't know how to achieve these needs.  They probably don't even see that they are unfulfilled.

Kids who know that they shouldn't lie, cheat, and hurt others because it is wrong might think twice before intentionally hurting someone's feelings or spreading lies.  Young children must learn this.  We need to talk to them about how their words make others feel.  How would they feel if someone said that to them?

Don't tell them how they would feel.  Ask them, guide them.

I think humility is the anti-bully.  Humble people put others first and treat others with respect.  They are not weak and they are not step stools.  They have self confidence and inner strength, but are happy when others are happy.  They don't need to prove themselves to others.  Kids who put others first will be less likely to try to put others down to make themselves feel better.  A mistake should not break their whole self esteem because they know they are loved for who they are, not what they do.  They shouldn't have to defend themselves.  They can admit their mistakes and not lie to cover them up.

Do not confuse humility with humiliation. Humiliation is of course bullying and the opposite of being humble and helping others.  

The best way to teach humility is to be a humble example.  Serve others. Volunteer.  Give praise freely and unconditionally.  Show caring and respect to all.  Give credit where credit is due.  Accept responsibilty.  Ask for forgiveness when needed. Offer forgiveness to others.

Teach kids to give out praise often to others.  Who doesn't love it when others notice them? What can we say to people with genuine heart felt praise?  Think of ideas together and praise them when you see them hand out praise!  This builds confidence all around.  Confidence protects against bullying!

Teach kids how to respond truthfully without making others feel put down and without seeming over-confident.  (No one likes the kid who brags...)

• "You scored the most goals.  Great job!"  

Reply: "The whole team was great. I couldn't score if they didn't pass the ball."

or "Coach taught me a great move.  I couldn't do it without his help."

• "Wow! You got an A on the test.  I tried so hard and got a C."  

Reply: "The way the teacher explained it really made sense to me. I couldn't do it without good teaching."

or "I had to study really hard too.  Maybe we can quiz each other next time."

or "Math might be easier for me, but you are great with music!"

Teach kids to apologize when needed.  No one is perfect, and there is always a need to know when and how to apologize.  Words must sound sincere.   Don't allow kids to work around the situation or lie to get out of trouble.  Don't allow them to put blame on anyone or anything else.  

Teach kids they can only control what they say and do.  No one can control what another says or does.  How can they change their words or actions to change the outcome of a situation?  

Have you ever read one of those books that have multiple endings?  The ones that say things like, "If you want to go into the house, go to page 43. If you want to go to the park, go to page 46." 

Have kids pretend that their life is one of those books.  

Tell him to pick a time that someone's feelings were hurt, a fight started, or he got in trouble.  

Now have him change one thing he did or said.  Play out the rest of the situation.  

Ask: How would the other person respond to your new action? How does that change the end of the situation?   

This takes some practice, but we can all learn from this type of reflection.

Adults need to model these behaviors.  Kids can't learn humility just from being told. They must be shown these behaviors daily.    

Kids who know what to do if they see bullying behavior or feel bullied can help stop the cycle.  Many schools have anti-bullying programs in place.  

Does yours?  

Do you model anti-bulling values at home?