Talk About Bullying With Your Kids

Bullying. Fist fights. Cyberbullying. Mean girls. Playground scuffles.

There are many labels and many variations on the same theme. Kids aren't always nice. Even nice kids get caught up in mean behaviors. We all remember being young and getting picked on. Or maybe we were the instigator of trouble. Chances are we've been on both sides of the line. Whatever roll we had, we know that this is not new behavior. But that doesn't make it any easier for parents to watch their kids suffer at the words and actions of other kids.

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We all need to talk with our kids often about their lives: what they are doing, how they feel about things, what they are looking forward to, dislikes, and more. Many kids clam up when it's time to open up, and sometimes the best thing for a parent to say is simply, "I'm here if you want to talk later."

Sometimes a general talk about bullying behaviors is a good idea, whether you suspect some bullying is going on or not. As with most things, a little prevention is worth a pound of cure.

If you see your own child saying or doing something that could be interpreted as mean, pull them aside and point it out as soon as possible so the memory is fresh in their mind. Children and young teens often don't even realize what they've said or done can be taken in a negative way. Don't punish or yell at them for the words. Don't belittle them. Making them angry will only block their mind to seeing another point of view. Use this time as a teaching moment to point out what was said. They might not get it right away, but later you can role play and see if they can understand better in a different situation.

I've put together things to use as talking points. Don't try to tackle this all in one sitting. Talk about one subtopic at a time, but talk often.

What else would you add?

• A small comment that seems to not be so bad to you can make someone else feel awful, even if you didn't intend for it to be. Those comments often come out of the blue and you don't give it a second thought, but the other person can dwell on its negativity for a long time. Even worse are the comments that are repeated over time. 
• You cannot change what others do or say, but you can change how you respond to what they do and say. 
• If you did or said something hurtful, it can't be taken back, but you can ask for forgiveness.

• If you know you're tired or in a bad mood, try to be extra careful before you say anything. 
• Don't send texts when you're angry, sad, or tired. 
• Don't reply to a text that makes you angry, scared, or sad. Show an adult if it is a threatening text or if it really upsets you.
• If you have negative thoughts, keep them to yourself. This might mean that you think someone got something they didn't deserve, someone's a teacher's pet, or their hair is awful. Whatever. Nothing good comes from sharing a negative opinion. In the end, people will see that you are negative and won't want to be around you as much if you share those thoughts. 
• If in doubt about saying or sending something, save the thought overnight and see if you still think it needs to be said. Think about the wording to make it constructive and not destructive if it does need to be said. Talk to an adult if you're not sure.
• If you wouldn't say something to someone's face, don't say it at all.
• If you hear someone saying something negative, tell them to stop. Let them know you don't like hearing negative comments. This might teach them what they are saying is hurtful, because sometimes people don't realize what they are saying. They can learn to be a nicer person- what a great friend you can be to help them in this way! If they don't change their behaviors over a few days or weeks after being told what they are doing (depending on how severely or intentionally they are being hurtful) then you need to tell an adult. Doing nothing or agreeing with them puts you down to the level of being a bully, even if you didn't start it. If you don't feel comfortable telling them to stop, leave. If you stay, you’re part of the cruelty. Leaving means you refuse to be part. If they don't have an audience they won't continue.
• If you realize that something you said was hurtful to someone, talk to them about it. If you have a hard time talking face to face, a nice note can work. Have a trusted adult help you wordsmith what you will say so the words don't get twisted. You must be careful to not put blame back on the person or put them down again when you apologize. It can be tricky to find the right words, but it is possible. 
• Texting is a dangerous way to communicate emotional or sensitive issues. It is great for simple questions and answers, but short phrases in texts can easily be misunderstood or incomplete. If you are disagreeing with someone, do not use texts to talk it out. Remember that anything shared electronically is public and permanent. Even if you think you are sending it to just one person, there are many ways for it to be seen by others. These words and pictures can be very hurtful. Never send anything you wouldn't want to put on a sign on your front door for all to see.
• Kids are often afraid to tell adults things for many reasons. It is okay to tell an adult if you are trying to help someone or yourself, but not if you are trying to get someone in trouble. Think about it. There's a difference. 

Positives drown out the negatives...

• Every day write down (or discuss as a family) one thing that you really appreciate or are grateful for. It can be anything, but think of things that really mean something to you. It can be as simple as a person said something really nice when you were feeling down, or you did well on a test you studied hard for. It doesn't have to be a huge thing like winning the lottery, but it should be something that you really feel thankful or happy about. Focusing on the good things really helps keep life in a healthy perspective. It can help protect you from the negative effects of other people's behavior.
• Smiling really can make you feel better, so try it.  
• If you see a friend struggling because negative things have been said, say kind words to him or her. Be extra nice to him or her so they know they aren't alone.
• Praise people when they say nice things. Recognize the kindness. Make it contagious!
• Try to do something nice or say something nice to at least one person each day. Notice the response over time in yourself as well as others.

Everyone needs a circle of respect. You don't have to like everyone, but you need to treat everyone with respect.

• Respect yourself enough to do what is right. Eat right. Exercise. Get 9-10 hours of sleep each night. Don't take unnecessary risks, such as smoking or drinking alcohol. 
• Respect others. Say kind words and keep negative thoughts to yourself. Don't make anyone else do something they aren't comfortable doing. Don't make fun of people. 
• Be sure people respect you. If someone says or does something that you feel is disrespectful, let them know. If they don't change their behaviors, avoid them and find other people to have fun with. Get away from people who make you uncomfortable or scared immediately. Find new friends if your friends repeatedly disrespect you. Get help from an adult when needed.

Parenting when you're angry: Keep Cool

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One of the biggest problems I've had disciplining my kids is letting them see I'm angry. And from talking with many parents over the years, I know I'm not alone. It is only natural to lose your temper and yell when mad, right?

The problem is obvious. We all see it. When we yell, other's yell back. That is also natural.

So if you yell, the kids yell. Or otherwise show you they are angry. It can get pretty ugly, right?

One of the best things I ever did when I was losing my temper and my husband wasn't around to give me a reprieve: I put myself in Time Out. I went to my room, closed the door, and sat on my bed. The kids (who had been fighting with each other) worked together outside my room, talking about what was happening nicely and quietly with each other. They bonded instead of fighting. They were a little scared and very confused. I got some peace and quiet while they worked through their problem. It was wonderful. I only did that once or twice, I'm not sure why I didn't do it more often.'

Everyone gets angry. That is okay. It is human and natural. How we react to the anger and what we do about it is what makes a difference. Yelling, hitting, belittling, blaming others, or otherwise mismanaging anger can have devastating consequences and generally makes the situation worse. No one can think when angry, and showing anger typically makes the others involved angry.

So what can we do to keep situations under control without showing anger?

• Time Out. This is typically given to the child in trouble, but certain circumstances might help if everyone gets a time out, as above.  Time away from talking, glaring, or otherwise communicating can give everyone time to simply calm down.
• Change the situation. If appropriate, changing the activity is a simple way to get everyone in a better mood.
• Take deep breaths. Exaggerate the deep breathing. This physiologically helps your mood and gives you time to sort your thoughts, and also shows the kids that you are trying to manage your anger. This modeling can help them to remember to take deep breaths when they are angry too.
• Count. This draws attention to the problem once kids realize that you count when they need to change choices and gives everyone time to problem solve.
• Take turns. If you have someone else who can take over (spouse, parent, friend) when you are losing control, find a way to ask for help. My husband and I would relieve each other a lot when the kids were younger. Sometimes simply having the change of person would calm the child. Because this parent was not already angry with the situation, they were better able come up with a solution.
• Lead by example. Choose words carefully. Don't hit. Don't name call. Don't blame. Keep voice level neutral. Speak in a calming voice. Avoid gestures or facial expressions that show anger or distain. Take deep breaths to "think." Show your child how to handle bad situations without poor behavior.
• Get their attention first before giving directions. Get on eye level with your child. Ask that they look at you when talking. Put a gentle hand on their shoulder. Don't yell for attention, but calmly wait a few seconds for it before speaking. Sometimes a whisper gets attention better than a yell.
• Use humor if appropriate. This DOES NOT mean to make fun of your child. That is horribly damaging to self esteem. It means to try something funny to get your child's attention. 

Make a baby doll "talk" about what is going to happen next: "I'm going to splash in the bath." or "Look at me brush my teeth."

Put pajama pants on your head and ask the child to show you what you're doing wrong. They just might get dressed to show you!

Come up with a silly stress dance to shake out the worries and stress. 

• Think about the root of the problem. When kids act out it often isn't just because of the action itself. Are they tired or hungry? In need of attention? Sad about a loss? Being bullied? Afraid of failure? Or is their behavior really okay but you are stressed and sleep deprived and over reacting? Addressing the root problem will typically help the day to day issues.
• Talk through your thoughts out loud. "Those words you just said hurt my feelings. I am now sad." If you are frustrated at another person when your kids are around, model good behavior of handling a negative situation without yelling or fighting. 
• Smile. It really works. Smiling can actually change your mood and relieves stress, as described by Karen Kleiman in this article.
• Apologize if you make a mistake. It is okay for a parent to admit fault in a situation. Saying something as simple as "I'm sorry I yelled. I was very disappointed in your choice but I should not have yelled and lost my temper." This will earn respect from your kids and teach them that they can apologize when they are wrong too!
• Keep a journal. This often can help us see our own situation more clearly. What triggers our anger and what can we do? It is easier to think about this when we aren't mad and come up with a plan for the next time the situation arises.
• Family meetings are a great way to talk about behavior in a non-threatening manner and at a time that everyone is in a good mood. You can discuss situations that have happened and ask kids what they think they could have said or done differently to change the outcome. (One rule with this: they can only change themselves, no one else!) Roll play situations that come up frequently, such as sharing toys or getting a chore done. Let them figure out good ways to handle common problems, don't give answers. Talking about what's happening the following week, such as a dentist appointment and soccer practice, helps kids get a perspective and internally plan. 
• Make a list of appropriate things to do when angry. 

The list might include many options, such as: Yell into a pillow. Squeeze a stress ball. Pray. Deep breaths. Whatever comes to mind that might help.

Keeping the list in an easily accessed area can help older kids and parents find ways out of their anger. (It's hard to think when angry, so the list really does help!)

• Choose words carefully. Starting sentences with "I feel" instead of "You" are less hurtful. "I feel sad when I see toys on the floor when no one is playing with them because they weren't put away," instead of "You left your toys out again and that makes me sad." Hear the difference? Same general point, but much less inflammatory and judgmental.
• And never forget prevention of problems! Routines are important, especially eating regularly and sleeping adequately (kids and parents). Tired, sick, and hungry is a recipe for disaster! Praise the positives. It is easy to see problems, but be sure to give kudos when due, even for the small stuff. Never underestimate the power of praise and attention!