Cell Phone and Social Media Etiquette

My family was recently on vacation, so I was in public areas more than normal. To say I was surprised by all the people enjoying their cell phones more than their company is not correct. "Saddened" is a better word. Why do people who are out together spend so much of their time avoiding their friends and family who are with them? It isn't uncommon any more to see a table of people all looking at their smart phones. What is our society coming to? How will our children learn to interact with others appropriately?

As a physician who must take phone calls for work, some of which might be true urgent calls (true emergencies should be called to 911), I still don't answer my phone most of the time. It is okay for people to leave messages. Returning a call after excusing myself from my family or friends within a short time is much more considerate for all involved. I find it beneficial too since I can listen to a message, get my thoughts in order before returning the call, and I have a record of the call to document later in a patient's chart. Most people simply answer a phone call or text because they can. Or they scan a social media site when they should be talking with others face to face.

A friend shared a blog today on her Facebook page that I found interesting and timely. It is from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Council on Communications and Media (COCM) and had a list of phone etiquette rules for kids. As I read it, I thought of some more rules that could (should, in my opinion) be used by all.

Here are my suggestions. In no particular order:

• It’s okay to let people leave a message. If the phone rings when you are in a conversation, ignore it unless you’re expecting an important call. For routine calls, use a conversation break to excuse yourself and state you need to return a call or text. 
• Important calls still deserve respect. If you are expecting an important call, alert those with you ahead of time that you might need to excuse yourself when your phone rings. This lets them know that you aren’t just taking a routine call when the phone rings and they are still important to you. 
• Go to a quiet place to return calls and texts. This is not only polite to the people in the room, but it also reminds you that there are people who are waiting for you to return. 
• Be with those with you. Make eye contact when you are talking to people. Don’t keep checking your phone ~ it makes it seem like those with you are less important than whatever you are seeing on your phone. Messages will be there later! 
• Limit bragging. Don’t upload and share pictures of everything you do with friends. This might unknowingly hurt another friend’s feelings if they weren’t invited to join. Or friends will get bored and tune you out. 
• No phones at the table. Leave your phone out of sight and on silent when eating. Unless everyone puts their phones in the center of the table with a “No touch” rule, all phones should be hidden and ignored during a meal. Talk to those at the table. Enjoy their company. Most calls can wait a few minutes for you to finish your meal. 
• Keep the noise down. Turn the ringer off when you are in any public place. If you are alone and on your phone, keep your voice to a normal talking level so you don’t disrupt others around you. Better yet – go outside to take a call. 
• Keep phones on silent and put away when at school, work, or in a professional setting (such as at a checkout line at the store or at a doctor's office). It is not only rude, but can get you in trouble with your teacher or boss. It limits the constructive time spent with you by the person you should be giving your full attention to.
• Incriminating or hurtful information doesn't belong. Don’t type, photograph or forward anything you wouldn’t want your parents, boss or principal to see. Remember that once you push send words and pictures will last forever on the web and could be seen by anyone if a friend saves or forwards it. It could come back to haunt you. If you would be embarrassed if your parent, grandparent, or neighbor sees it, don’t do it!
• Get help when needed. If you see something you think could hurt someone, or that indicates someone is hurting, tell a responsible trusted adult. You could save a life! Literally. 
• Don’t measure your value by how many “friends” you have, or all the cool things they seem to be doing. Your life is worth something, but you don’t have to broadcast it to everyone online. 
• Live life! Spend your time actually doing things, don’t waste it watching what others are doing or documenting every little thing you do. 
• Only “friend” people you know in person. Even if they know a friend of a friend, they are not your friend. Be safe and only friend real friends and family. Make your privacy settings private so others who you don't know can't see your posts.
• Never give personal information to people you don't know. Be careful that others might share your posts, so avoid using your team names, school name, and other identifying information. Turn off your camera's GPS if you take pictures that will allow a stranger to know where you are.
• Never share passwords with anyone but your parents. And always let your parents know your passwords. They have your best interests at heart and can help you stay safe online. 
• Never answer a text while driving (or even walking). This really doesn’t need any explanation. Texting distracts you from getting to where you need to be safely. 
• Avoid taking calls when driving. Any distraction to driving is a distraction. The really cool thing with cell phones is that they all have voice mail. That means people can leave messages. And you can call them back from a safe place. Brilliant! If you must take a call when driving, use a hands-free device for added safety. Be aware of state laws restricting some drivers of any phone use.
• Keep phones out of your bedroom. Use a public area of the home to charge phones overnight. This prevents your phone from waking you at all hours of the night. Sleep is important, and just because your friend has insomnia doesn’t mean you need to answer their call!    

Facebook Tips to Not Miss Page Posts

This is an off topic blog, but I use Facebook regularly to share great health and behavior tips to parents, and I find that only a small percentage of them are able to see the posts regularly. It makes sense that if you have hundreds of friends plus follow scores of pages, you won't see every post every day. But if you really like a page and want to be sure to see all of its posts, I have found the best way is to add it to an interest group. There are two ways to add pages to your interest group, both described below.

I have seen many posts about how to make things show in your News Feed by selecting "Get Notifications" and "Show in News Feed", but I find that those simply don't work. (I follow many pages since I administrate my office FB page, so maybe that affects it, but I still miss pages that way.)

You will be able to set up various interest lists if you want. (They STILL don't always show up in your news feed, see BIG TIP below.)

First, log into Facebook for either method of setting up interest groups or adding to your group. (Note: if you are a page administrator, you must be logged in as your personal account, not your Page.)

First method: This works well if you are on a page and want to add it to an interest group. Click on the little gear/arrow (in blue below) and then add to Interest Lists.

Second method:  This works well if you want to add several favorite pages all at once or if you want to follow an interest group that is public.

From the Home screen view: Along the left sidebar there are several categories: Favorites, Apps, Interests, and more.  Before you set up interests, it will just have "Add Interests..."  Once you have set them up, you can select the Interest Group you want to see.  My Interests are pictured here:

The blue Interest "Work help" is one I've made, and it consists of pages I often find interesting articles to repost. "Health Causes" and "Child Causes" (green) are standard public groups that I follow to see if I find new pages to "Like".  If you click on "Add Interests..." you will find many pages either similar to pages you already follow or ones your friends follow.  You can also make your own interest group(s), which is where you can put pages you don't want to miss:

BIG TIP: Once you have your interest groups set, you need to remember to actually look at them since they don't automatically pull into your news feed. The only pages that show up at that point are those from that group. (No friend updates or other pages.) You will then simply click on "Home" to return to your usual News Feed.

I hope this helps... at least until Facebook changes its settings again!

Violence... I think parents can help prevent from home

Source: Shutterstock

I, like most of you, am horrified by the event's of last week's shooting. I have read countless articles in the aftermath about talking with kids, safety in schools, gun control, and even mental health services needing to improve.

I keep wondering if there is something each parent can do at home to help the future.

Violence in the media is constant. It is becoming more graphic and violent. Children do not have the ability to separate fantasy and reality, which makes them more vulnerable to altering behaviors depending on what they are exposed to. Until the last part of our brain matures during adulthood, we have not fully developed self control, emotional regulation, and judgement. So for those of you who think your children or teens are mature, they are still developing important parts of their brain!

If we limit exposure to violence, would it help prevent violence? If children are exposed to less violence at home and in the media, can we cultivate a society of people who can work through conflict in a civil manner?  It's been shown in study after study that violence exposure leads to violent behaviors. What about the opposite? Model positive behaviors and limit negative exposures to encourage healthy development of behaviors.

Research shows that the more violent video games kids play, the more violent they become. Very young children exposed to aggressive acts on television will be more aggressive with their play. There is even long term effects from early exposures. A study showed that men who were high TV violence viewers as children were significantly more likely to be physically aggressive with their spouse and to be convicted of a crime at three times the risk of other men. Women with high TV violence exposures as children were four times as likely as other women to be physically violent.

Parents: you can't "take back" early exposures. Don't wait until you are worried about your child/teen's behavior. Prevent it!

Some limits to violence are more difficult to enforce than others.

If kids live in violent homes, they are vulnerable on many levels. Recognizing these at risk kids and helping their situation improve or remove them from the situation is very difficult. There are free online resources to help (use a safe computer if you are at risk!) Even if you are not in an abusive situation, learn to recognize signs that someone is. You could save a life! SafeHome provides education and assistance for those in need in the Kansas City area.  The Hotline is a nationwide hotline that also has educational information on its website. 

When our children are at other homes, we don't always know the parenting styles or supervision as we do at home. Get to know the parents of your children's friends. Let them know your expectations of what your child can/cannot watch or play. Talk to your children and teens about what they do elsewhere. 

Easier fixes involve the media. (Note: I didn't say easy. I said easier.)

Remove the televisions and other electronics from bedrooms. They cut down on sleep (sleep deprivation adds to poor decision making and behaviors) and allow private, unsupervised viewing. 

Parents should screen what their children watch and play for age appropriateness. I have heard many parents say something to the effect of "He's always been around shows like this, and is not scared. He loves to watch them." Why is he not scared, if his age would typically be scared? Is he already desensitized? That scares me. Check out free on-line reviews from a reputable site, such as Common Sense Media, before deciding if something is appropriate for your child. Choose appropriate times that do not allow younger children to be exposed.

Listen to the music your children and teens enjoy and check out their reviews on Common Sense Media. Many songs promote partner violence, fighting, and sexual violence. Songs have a way of getting into our head. Fill their brains with healthy lyrics, not brainwashing songs that promote any form of dangerous behaviors!

Set maximum times children and teens may have screen time. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests no more than 10 hours per week for children over 2 years of age. No screen time is recommended for children under 2 years. Remember that screen time includes television, movies, video games, social media, and all other things on a screen. 

Learn the technologies your children are using. If your child or teen is playing online, you need to learn how to set parental controls and monitor what has happened on line.

I am not advocating that families should never enjoy an age- appropriate movie or video game. We actually went to see The Hobbit last night. Although it is PG-13, I read reviews and decided that it was appropriate for my 11 year old. She has a strong sense of reality vs fantasy and was able to sit through the show without being scared at all. (She felt it was "boring" and too long.) It wouldn't be good for all 11 year olds though, and I don't think I would have taken her much younger. Point: parents must know their child, have the facts, and make educated decisions. Don't just say "yes" because it's easy!

And finally, the best parent is an active parent. Participate in activities with your children. Build up their self confidence. Talk to them about what's on their mind. Show them you care. Set limits and stick to them. Give healthy physical contact (hugs, high five, back pat, tickles) often, no matter how old they are, unless it makes them uncomfortable. Tell them you love them. Be their rock.  



Sources:

"Impact of Media Violence Tips." Reviews and Ratings for Family Movies, TV Shows, Websites, Video Games, Books and Music. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

"The Teenage Brain-- Why Do Teenagers Think Differently than Adults?" The Teenage Brain-- Why Do Teenagers Think Differently than Adults? N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

"Childhood Exposure To Media Violence Predicts Young Adult Aggressive Behavior, According To A New 15-Year Study." Childhood Exposure To Media Violence Predicts Young Adult Aggressive Behavior, According To A New 15-Year Study. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

"The Impact of Media Violence on Children and Adolescents: Opportunities for Clinical Interventions | American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry." The Impact of Media Violence on Children and Adolescents: Opportunities for Clinical Interventions | American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

"Media Violence." Media Violence. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Dec. 2012.

Screen Free Week Reflections

I have been a fan of Screen Free Week since I heard about it.  Even before I heard of the official week, it was a popular negative consequence in our home.  

I used to enforce unofficial screen free weeks at our house regularly when I saw my kid's behaviors turn toward selfishness, fighting, and whininess.  Turning off the tv and video games help.  Maybe it's because the screen activities wind up their brains.  Maybe it's because it is "down" time and they need active time.  Maybe because I was guilty of using the tv as a babysitter so I could get my own things done, yet the kids needed time with me.  There are many more maybes, but all I know is that turning off the tv and video games seems to always help.  I get a bunch of complaints at the beginning of the week, but by the end of the week the kids are in a new habit of finding things to do without electronics.  It's fun. We all get along better.

This Screen Free Week I realized that it is harder than ever though.  Not for the kids, but for me.  I can never get off computers completely.  We use electronic records at my office.  I use the internet to search for information related to my job.  Those are allowable uses, since electronics for work and school are exceptions to turning off the screen.  Computers are simply a part of our life.

We are all relatively new to all the opportunities for wasting time on tv (remember when there were just a couple channels?) and internet offerings.  We are plugged in from our computers and our Smart Phones.  We get a lot of work done and learn information on these Screens.  When can we unplug? How do we learn to manage our time?

This week I was going to at least stay off Facebook, since that is mostly fun stuff that I share with patient families. Work related, yes.  Necessary, no.  I feel that by posting to Facebook it encourages others to look at Facebook.  Facebook is a huge time waster for many. (And yes, this is from someone who is totally addicted to facebook... I spend quite a bit of time searching around on it to scope great things to share!) A great reason to turn off the screen for a week!  

But then I need to reevaluate the "Necessary, no."  What is necessary?  I still had to look at Facebook to be sure the office page was not being abused with posts that were inappropriate.  Most things I post are not timely.  There are some recalls that are important, but not really imperative to share NOW.

But there were several things that happened in this one week that Social Media could really benefit.   Where do you draw the line of staying off Social Media and when does it become "work" so it is excluded?

We did post two things to our wall that did seem to meet the criteria of important and timely.  One was a request from the Health Department to spread the word about an outbreak.  Why is this important?  Because 8 people in Kansas have been sick and 2 have died.  Warn people: good.  But then to see it, people are checking their Facebook posts: bad.  Such a slippery slope!

The second post was about our own office's access.  We were not warned that our parking lot was to be resurfaced.  Staff arrived to work and found the whole thing blocked with no access to our main door (until we convinced them it was unacceptable during office hours).  Yikes!  How to spread the word quickly?  Yes, we can call the patients with appointments and tell them where to park, but what about walk ins?  Facebook is fast.  It can be helpful!  But we told people to stay away for the week.  Sigh.  Just can't win!

A third post that didn't end up getting posted because it is a bit hazier in importance and timeliness.  We have promised that when we open flu clinic appointments we will share on our website and Facebook page.  Of course we were able to secure a couple dates during this Free Week.  We posted to the website, since people always use that for health matters, not "fun".  We sent out an email to registered website users.  But we didn't post immediately to Facebook, again to encourage people to stay off Social Media for the week.  But Facebook isn't purely Social.  It is used to share information in a way that wasn't possible years ago.  (No worries for those of you who haven't signed up yet... there will be plenty of time to sign up!) 

Other posts that aren't timely were easy.  Save for later.  I am using a scheduling system that schedules posts, so I don't have to post daily.  That is helping manage my time on Facebook.  I still have to look daily to check on posts, but it does help with time management.


I think that is where the secret lies.
We all need to learn time management with the Screens.  What is important? What are time wasters?  Time wasters aren't always bad.  It can be great to vege in front of the tv after a long day and just relax without any bothers.  It is fun to catch up on what friends are up to on Social Media.  It can save time if you have exciting news and post once for all your friends and family to see (less personal than a phone call or visit, but faster!)


We need balance.
We need to make time for family, faith, exercise, healthy family meals, and sleep.  Cutting out those important things in life to waste more time in front of the screen simply is dangerous.