Stepping outside my comfort zone

Getting ready to start in our party scene!

This past week I was on vacation from my day job to be an active parent.

Sometimes we need that.

I really had to step outside of my comfort zone for this parenting act -- being in the cast of Clara's Dream (a version of The Nutcracker).  Parents often do things we never thought we would for our kids.  We intentionally put our nose to a probably dirty diaper to be sure it needs to be changed. We forego sleep to take care of kids. We take care of their needs before our own routinely.  They change us in many ways for the better.

For years my daughter has loved to perform on stage for theater and dance. She has asked on several occasions for me to audition for "family shows" where they allow parents of students to be in the cast. Each time she has asked, I answered with a firm "No".  I have never acted or danced. I prefer one-on-one conversations, not large groups - and definitely not the stage!

Several months ago she asked and I actually considered it. I had already requested vacation for that week due to show week always getting crazy with time constraints. Rehearsals were later in the evenings, so they wouldn't interfere with work. As I thought about it, I considered the joy of being an active part of her favorite activity and put away my fears of being on stage.  (Of course the fear returned each time we were called backstage to line up for the scene- but it was too late to turn back then!) It was an act of faith because I had never seen the show and knew little about what I was signing up to do.  I figured parents would mostly be "background" people and didn't realize we would learn dance steps and actually be a part of the scene. No, I didn't have to do ballet - just a Victorian ballroom style dance.

It was fun to be a part of my daughter's life in a way that will always have a special memory. Call it working mom guilt, but I want to make special memories in addition to daily quality time.  Quality time is not spent watching tv with kids, but doing things together.  Some things are small, like taking a walk or playing a game. Some things are more memorable because they are unique.

Not only did I get some great times with my daughter, I also met a number of fun people in the process.  Spending so much time with other parents of dancers was a great bonding experience in itself. And I got to know some of the students and teachers my daughter works with on a regular basis at dance classes.  It is always a good idea to know the people that hang out with the kids!

So when your kids ask you to do something and your first thought is "no way", take a moment to think about it. You might just change your mind and grow with your child!

Bow time... my "German son" is blocking me.

To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.  – Anonymous

Parenting when you're angry: Keep Cool

Picture Source: Shutterstock

One of the biggest problems I've had disciplining my kids is letting them see I'm angry. And from talking with many parents over the years, I know I'm not alone. It is only natural to lose your temper and yell when mad, right?

The problem is obvious. We all see it. When we yell, other's yell back. That is also natural.

So if you yell, the kids yell. Or otherwise show you they are angry. It can get pretty ugly, right?

One of the best things I ever did when I was losing my temper and my husband wasn't around to give me a reprieve: I put myself in Time Out. I went to my room, closed the door, and sat on my bed. The kids (who had been fighting with each other) worked together outside my room, talking about what was happening nicely and quietly with each other. They bonded instead of fighting. They were a little scared and very confused. I got some peace and quiet while they worked through their problem. It was wonderful. I only did that once or twice, I'm not sure why I didn't do it more often.'

Everyone gets angry. That is okay. It is human and natural. How we react to the anger and what we do about it is what makes a difference. Yelling, hitting, belittling, blaming others, or otherwise mismanaging anger can have devastating consequences and generally makes the situation worse. No one can think when angry, and showing anger typically makes the others involved angry.

So what can we do to keep situations under control without showing anger?

• Time Out. This is typically given to the child in trouble, but certain circumstances might help if everyone gets a time out, as above.  Time away from talking, glaring, or otherwise communicating can give everyone time to simply calm down.
• Change the situation. If appropriate, changing the activity is a simple way to get everyone in a better mood.
• Take deep breaths. Exaggerate the deep breathing. This physiologically helps your mood and gives you time to sort your thoughts, and also shows the kids that you are trying to manage your anger. This modeling can help them to remember to take deep breaths when they are angry too.
• Count. This draws attention to the problem once kids realize that you count when they need to change choices and gives everyone time to problem solve.
• Take turns. If you have someone else who can take over (spouse, parent, friend) when you are losing control, find a way to ask for help. My husband and I would relieve each other a lot when the kids were younger. Sometimes simply having the change of person would calm the child. Because this parent was not already angry with the situation, they were better able come up with a solution.
• Lead by example. Choose words carefully. Don't hit. Don't name call. Don't blame. Keep voice level neutral. Speak in a calming voice. Avoid gestures or facial expressions that show anger or distain. Take deep breaths to "think." Show your child how to handle bad situations without poor behavior.
• Get their attention first before giving directions. Get on eye level with your child. Ask that they look at you when talking. Put a gentle hand on their shoulder. Don't yell for attention, but calmly wait a few seconds for it before speaking. Sometimes a whisper gets attention better than a yell.
• Use humor if appropriate. This DOES NOT mean to make fun of your child. That is horribly damaging to self esteem. It means to try something funny to get your child's attention. 

Make a baby doll "talk" about what is going to happen next: "I'm going to splash in the bath." or "Look at me brush my teeth."

Put pajama pants on your head and ask the child to show you what you're doing wrong. They just might get dressed to show you!

Come up with a silly stress dance to shake out the worries and stress. 

• Think about the root of the problem. When kids act out it often isn't just because of the action itself. Are they tired or hungry? In need of attention? Sad about a loss? Being bullied? Afraid of failure? Or is their behavior really okay but you are stressed and sleep deprived and over reacting? Addressing the root problem will typically help the day to day issues.
• Talk through your thoughts out loud. "Those words you just said hurt my feelings. I am now sad." If you are frustrated at another person when your kids are around, model good behavior of handling a negative situation without yelling or fighting. 
• Smile. It really works. Smiling can actually change your mood and relieves stress, as described by Karen Kleiman in this article.
• Apologize if you make a mistake. It is okay for a parent to admit fault in a situation. Saying something as simple as "I'm sorry I yelled. I was very disappointed in your choice but I should not have yelled and lost my temper." This will earn respect from your kids and teach them that they can apologize when they are wrong too!
• Keep a journal. This often can help us see our own situation more clearly. What triggers our anger and what can we do? It is easier to think about this when we aren't mad and come up with a plan for the next time the situation arises.
• Family meetings are a great way to talk about behavior in a non-threatening manner and at a time that everyone is in a good mood. You can discuss situations that have happened and ask kids what they think they could have said or done differently to change the outcome. (One rule with this: they can only change themselves, no one else!) Roll play situations that come up frequently, such as sharing toys or getting a chore done. Let them figure out good ways to handle common problems, don't give answers. Talking about what's happening the following week, such as a dentist appointment and soccer practice, helps kids get a perspective and internally plan. 
• Make a list of appropriate things to do when angry. 

The list might include many options, such as: Yell into a pillow. Squeeze a stress ball. Pray. Deep breaths. Whatever comes to mind that might help.

Keeping the list in an easily accessed area can help older kids and parents find ways out of their anger. (It's hard to think when angry, so the list really does help!)

• Choose words carefully. Starting sentences with "I feel" instead of "You" are less hurtful. "I feel sad when I see toys on the floor when no one is playing with them because they weren't put away," instead of "You left your toys out again and that makes me sad." Hear the difference? Same general point, but much less inflammatory and judgmental.
• And never forget prevention of problems! Routines are important, especially eating regularly and sleeping adequately (kids and parents). Tired, sick, and hungry is a recipe for disaster! Praise the positives. It is easy to see problems, but be sure to give kudos when due, even for the small stuff. Never underestimate the power of praise and attention!