What kids need to be able to do to leave the nest...

photo source: Shutterstock

It's graduation season, which has me thinking of all the ways our kids grow over the years. They're born, then just a few years later they are in kindergarten. In just a blink of the eye they get a locker in middle school. Then high school is over. The world awaits...

Where does the time go?

I have one who will be starting high school next year, and have spent a lot of time reflecting about at all he's learned and what he needs to learn to be successful, independent, healthy and happy.

I have never really thought that school is about learning the actual subjects. It is more about learning how to learn. How to organize. How to be responsible. I have always told my kids I don't care what grade they get as long as they learn what they need to and do their best.

Home life is also a process of learning. We learn how to live healthily and respectfully with others. We learn to take care of ourselves. We learn to be responsible with money. Ideally we learn to argue a point without losing control of our emotions or being hurtful.

In all of this reflection, I came up with a list that I have shared with my kids, and I invite you to share it with yours.

Things you should be able to do independently before leaving home:

Good hygiene habits

• Brush teeth twice daily. Floss once a day. 
• Shower or bathe daily. Wash hair as needed for oil control. 
• Wash hands often. 
• Shave as needed. 
• Flush.
• Brush hair at least daily and get a hair cut regularly. 
• Clip and groom nails regularly, fingers and toes. 
• Use personal hygiene products correctly, including: deodorant, facial acne cleansers, etc. 
• Wear clean clothes and change underclothing daily. 

Healthy habits

• Get adequate sleep to wake fresh and ready for the day. Set an alarm and get up on your own. 
• Eat healthy foods and limit junk food and sodas. Be able to prepare simple healthy meals. 
• Take vitamins daily. 
• Understand common over the counter medicine indications and how much to take.
• Understand why you are taking medications (if you are), how to take them, and what is needed to get more -- is it over the counter or a prescription medicine?
• Know your medical history, including any allergies and chronic health care problems.
• Know how to take care of common injuries until they are healed. 
• Exercise regularly, at least 3 times a week. 
• Develop healthy strategies to handle stress. 

• Journal 
• Prayer or meditation 
• Sketch or other artwork
• Talk to someone openly—don’t hold bad feelings in! 
• Take a long bath 
• Think before speaking 
• Deep breathing 
• Laugh 
• Exercise 
• Schedule down time 
• Think about the problem from different points of view 
• Break big projects into small parts to be able to complete in parts 
• List the good things going on and be positive 
• Avoid overscheduling
• Learn to say "no"

• Enjoy social interactions as well as alone time. 
• Exercise the brain by doing puzzles or reading.

Things to learn

• How to cook a healthy, balanced meal. 
• How to grocery shop on a budget to incorporate nutritional balance.
• How to properly clean dishes and tidy up the kitchen after eating.
• How to balance a check book, make a budget, and pay bills on time.
• How to do easy repairs around the house.
• Understand health insurance plans - how to get them, what they cover, what is excluded.
• Basics of money investment, retirement planning, savings.
• What to do in case of a road side emergency.
• Important numbers (doctor, dentist, insurance, etc).
• How to do laundry.
• How to clean a bathroom, use a vacuum, and dust.
• How to sew basic clothing repairs (buttons, hems, etc).
• How to get help when needed.
• How to apply for a job and build a resume.
• Choose words carefully: they can build someone up or crush someone down. 
• Drugs and alcohol should be treated with respect and used only with good judgment. This judgment should take into consideration laws and safety. Our brain does not fully develop until the early/mid 20s and early use of drugs or alcohol increases the risk of addiction.

Be a good friend and responsible family member

• Be clear with plans: Look at the family calendar when making plans. Get permission from all parents involved; let family know where you will be and when you will be home. 
• Keep a phone available to be able to call when needed. Answer calls/texts from parents! 
• Treat everyone with respect: family, teachers, friends, and strangers. 
• Require that others treat you with respect. 
• Do random acts of kindness occasionally. 
• Volunteer regularly.
• If you feel unsafe, leave the situation. Tell a trusted adult as soon as possible. 
• Do only things you and your parents will be proud of. 

Things to do to show you are getting ready to leave the nest...

• Complete assigned homework and chores without reminders or nagging. 
• Keep your room picked up and clothes off the floor. 
• Hang your towel to allow it to dry between uses. 
• Clear dishes from the table. 
• Clean up after projects or play. Return all things to their proper place after using them. 
• Throw all trash in the trashcan. Recycle things that are recyclable. 
• Responsible use of cell phone, computer, and other electronics. Turn off before bedtime to allow uninterrupted sleep. 
• Spend and save money responsibly. Never spend more than you can afford. Use credit cards wisely.
• Take pride in your work: schoolwork, chores, job, and helping others. Do it to the best of your ability and ask nicely for help as needed. Recognize that work is not always fun, but necessary. Doing tasks with a good attitude will help. 
• Time organization skills: Do not procrastinate until the last minute. Plan ahead and do big projects in small steps. Be prepared with all materials you will need for a project and ask in advance if you need help acquiring items. Use tools (apps, calendar, check lists). 
• Take care of your things. Keep them in proper working order, clean, and put away. 
• Drive responsibly. 
• Accept consequences with grace. 
• Earn trust. 
• Know when to trust and follow others and when to take your own path. Make independent decisions based on your own morals. Have the courage to say "no" if something goes against your beliefs.

Cut the cord... Give them the World!

We were recently having lunch at the office and the conversation turned to sending kids off to college. One person shared the story of a friend's very smart, straight A, "jammed on the ACT" child who flunked out of college because he never went to class and played video games all day.  The point being made was that person was going to keep closer tabs on their children when they went to college to avoid letting them fail.

Dr Mellick and I both chimed in at that point, each with very similar points of view.

By college a child is no longer a child, and is treated by the law and banks as an adult.  They should have learned self control and self management long ago.  If they fail to learn along the way under the supervision of parents life's lessons, they will fail in many ways.  I had two college friends (now parents themselves) who had parents that still tried to run their schedules and keep close tabs on them.  Mom or Dad would call every night to be sure the student was in the dorm by a certain hour.  This takes the responsibility away from the college student and puts it on the parents. The students then looked for ways to outsmart the parents, rather than ways to manage their lives. They knew they had to be home by a certain time, but then they left to party or stay at a friend's apartment after they hung up.  They hadn't learned self control or time management.  They had learned to manipulate the parents and the system.  Not what I want for my kids! Not what a potential boss wants from an employee. Not what makes for a caring and supportive spouse or parent.

Kids need to learn so many things before they move out of the house to become well rounded adults who can hold down a job, lead a family, and contribute to society.  This is a process ~ not something they learn the summer before college, and hopefully not something they learn after falling on their face in life.  A recent article in the New Yorker, Spoiled Rotten Why do kids rule the roost?  highlights why American children are so spoiled they become adultescents (adults who have yet to grow up). Worth the read!

Life skills to learn:

• how to eat nutritious foods in proper portions
• to spend, save, and give wisely
• when to recognize they are tired and to get enough sleep
• time management: work, school, social/fun, rest, chores, projects, exercise, etc
• self control
• study habits
• how to clean the home 
• simple repairs around the house
• cooking
• laundry
• how to pay bills on time
• exercise daily
• following routine dental and medical care
• how to stay within a budget
• caring for others
• respect for self and others

None of these things are learned by someone telling kids how to do them.  They are best learned over time by doing each of them.  Skills build upon previous skills, so first learning basic daily needs (dressing, brushing teeth, washing body, picking up after self) and then learning to do each more independently and finally being able to organize their own schedule to get it all done.  Many of these are learned by sometimes failing, and that is okay.  For more information specifically on chores, see my past post Chores for kids become chores for parents.

Even young children can be taught to help with daily chores.  Starting with preschoolers, the "chores" can be self-skills, such as picking out weather - appropriate clothes and getting dressed, brushing teeth, and other daily activities.  It is much faster for a parent to dress a child (usually) than having a young child do it themselves, but at some point they need to learn, and the earlier, the better!  If they choose weather- inappropriate clothes after discussion of the anticipated forecast, you can help with suggestions.  Sometimes the best way for them to learn is to wear something inappropriate and seeing what it feels like to be too hot or too cold.  This is within reason, of course-- a parent needs to be sure kids are safe: the younger the child, the more supervision needed.  When they were young, I would make them carry another layer if they were underdressed, but I feel no guilt in allowing my middle schoolers to choose shorts in the winter-- their choice!

We follow this process of increasing expectations in our office. Have you noticed as your kids get older  I ask more history from them, not the parent? When Mom or Dad chimes in with the answer, I try to redirect to the child to let them answer what the symptoms are, how long they've been there, what treatments have been tried and if they worked or not. Please let your kids answer ~ they know this stuff! Eventually we offer if the kids want the parents out of the room for privacy. This allows tweens and teens to start accepting responsibility for their healthcare. 

Kids will fail, and that is okay. All part of the learning process. Allow them to learn from failure when the risks are lower as young kids, not when the risk is higher as a teen or young adult.  Kids tend to just get mad if parents always point out the failure but then "save" them by not enforcing consequences.  Examples would be yelling at a child who didn't finish chores and continuing to remind them that they didn't do the chore and you had to do it for them, yet allowing the activities they want to do. Their chore has now become your problem.  They don't own it, so they don't care.  They will continue to allow you to own that chore.  They simply have to listen to you complain about it, which doesn't build strong family bonds, but doesn't require any work on their part.  

Often parents "own" the child's work: the parents keep harping on the child to do his homework, but the child is not motivated. I have previously written about the Homework Battle Plan, and I suggest reading it if your child struggles.  Too often parents "help" by doing much of the work for the child, who complains every step of the way. There are many parents who bring in the forgotten homework because the child forgets it routinely and the parent doesn't want the grades to suffer.  Are you going to drive the homework to the college professor too?  Let young kids suffer the consequence of a bad grade to hopefully learn.  If you keep "helping" them through elementary, middle, and high school, they have never learned what is really important: being responsible for your own work. 

Each stage of growing up has a new set of skills kids can learn to help with.  As kids grow and want to be away from home more, begin by training them how a decision is made, how to spend appropriately, how to make healthy choices.

A family calendar is a great way to let them help with time management.  I love the Google Calendar for this.  Everyone who is invited to the calendar can view it (and add to it if permission is given) so potential conflicts can be identified before they even ask if something is okay to do.  

Start going through questions that are pertinent to the situation so they can learn to think about it themselves:  Is all work done before doing an activity? How will you get there and back safely?  What time do you plan to be home and what time do you have to get up in the morning-- is that enough sleep? How much does this activity cost, and do you have the money to do it? Who will be there and who will be supervising? You still make the final decision, but you might also see the light click when they realize they have other priorities that need to be done first.

Talk about money management without worrying kids about family finances. If kids want a new game, don't get it for them, have them save. Talk about how much they need to save each week to have enough money by a deadline. How will they earn the money? When kids beg to eat out, talk about how much it costs for the family to eat at XYZ restaurant and how much it would cost buy similar food at the grocery store to eat at home. (One that comes up often at my house is going out for ice cream.  How much it costs to go out for ice cream vs buy one container for home is easy to calculate and makes a great point.)  Allow teens to get a job and help them balance money spending and saving. Require that they pay for certain needs or desires.

Have young kids help with simple chores around the house, then increase responsibilities as they get older. My kids loved putting clothes on hangers as preschoolers. I admit that now my kids choose to keep their clean laundry in a pile rather than putting it away, but I suspect they will learn that it is easier to find clothes when put away in their place eventually. Kids can learn to vacuum, dust, and even clean toilets in elementary school. Initially supervising and teaching takes more time than doing it yourself, but when kids learn the skills, that time spent pays off! 

If  kids learn the complex process parents go through to make sure kids will be safe and the activity doesn't conflict with other things, they will start to learn to think through all those things too.  Model good behaviors with time and money management.  Spend quality fun family time together to build strong bonds so they will ask for help when needed ~ but don't give answers, just direction!  Over the years you will watch them grow and mature and they have the world in their hands!

Chores for kids become chores for parents?

As a parent I see the great value of chores for kids.

• Anyone can learn the satisfication of completing a task, improving self confidence.  
• Young children can improve self care competence such as with bathing and dental hygiene. 
• Older kids can learn money appreciation and management if they are paid and expected to save some and share some of their well-earned money.  Learning to save for a large ticket-item and not spend frivolously is a great life lesson many adults missed.
• Older kids can establish a great attitude about work and learn real-world skills such as laundry, cooking, and cleaning.  
• Kids might even gain self esteem by the positive intrinsic reward of a job well done.  
• They learn responsibility.

The downside?

Chores for the kids often make work on the parents harder.  (Who said parenting is easy?)

Parents must decide what tasks are able to be done by children at various stages of maturity.  There are on-line resources available to help guide parents.  This is one place I disagree with the WebMD list because they say a 10 year old can mow the lawn--not recommended by the AAP until 12 years!

Some good lists: Workingmom.com, Focus on the Family, Chores-Help-Kids

Parents must make sure the chores are completed or set a means of monitoring what is done. Ideally chores would be accomplished without fighting and whining, but how?  Verbal praise and acknowledgment is always a winner.  If parents choose to reward chores with stickers, gifts, or money, there must be a way to track when a task is complete.

Consistency is key in any form of discipline, and this includes the tracking of chores.  The biggest reason chores fail in my house is we (the parents) forget to check the lists to be sure the kids did them.  Having a consequence for not doing the expected chores versus getting a reward for doing the list... behavior experts disagree on these points.

Many behavior experts recommend to not remind kids to do chores.  They feel that the negative consequences of not doing the chores will teach the lesson better than the constant nagging to do the chores.  I have found that without reminders the chores are simply not done, but this does not mean I must always directly remind.  Praising the initiation ("I'm glad you are getting your homework done early tonight!"  "I see you remembered to sort your laundry, that's the hardest part!") is often an effective way to get kids to complete the task.  There is a fine line between nagging the kids to do the expected things and letting the chores slip by without being completed.

Over the years we have had many means of keeping track of chores in my family.

• When the kids were young, we first tried a dry erase board, but that got erased too easily.
• We then found a simple paper chart each week that had lists that could earn stickers. I liked the format because it separated tasks into the general categories below, but we often forgot to mark things off at the end of a busy day, so there was little reinforcement for the kids to do the chores.  The categories of chores:

• Self: included things such as brush teeth, bathe, get dressed 
• Home: included things such as pick up toys in living room
• Room: included things such as pick up room, make bed
• School: included things such as help a friend, homework, pack backpack

• One of my favorites was a system called 10-20-30Go! that friends developed.  It was wonderful because it is based on the kids taking full responsibility for marking down what they did. It is simple and includes a strong family and faith base.  It was one of the longest running systems that worked for us, but as all systems, it also faded in follow through.   A big reason was that we often had activities that interfered with the family meeting night, no matter what night of the week we tried to do it.  (Family meeting nights are still a great thing, but difficult in a busy house!)  We also found that the kids didn't look forward to their allowance, so it was little reinforcement to do the tasks.  They might have been too young at the time.
• Another favorite system of mine due to ease of use, cost (free), and kid -centered responsibility is MyJobChart.  It works well for kids who can use the internet fairly independently.  My kids can log in to their account and mark the chores as they do them, or once a day.  They earn points, which they can choose to share (with pre-determined charities), spend (on items I help pick), or save (for the future!)  I like many features of this system, but it still has periods that my kids forget about it for weeks, then periods that we all remember again.  They still do their chores (or they have no clean clothes the following week... or whatever natural consequence follows the forgotten chore) but they don't always mark them down for credit.

What do you find helps to keep your kids up to date on their chore list?