What kids need to be able to do to leave the nest...

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It's graduation season, which has me thinking of all the ways our kids grow over the years. They're born, then just a few years later they are in kindergarten. In just a blink of the eye they get a locker in middle school. Then high school is over. The world awaits...

Where does the time go?

I have one who will be starting high school next year, and have spent a lot of time reflecting about at all he's learned and what he needs to learn to be successful, independent, healthy and happy.

I have never really thought that school is about learning the actual subjects. It is more about learning how to learn. How to organize. How to be responsible. I have always told my kids I don't care what grade they get as long as they learn what they need to and do their best.

Home life is also a process of learning. We learn how to live healthily and respectfully with others. We learn to take care of ourselves. We learn to be responsible with money. Ideally we learn to argue a point without losing control of our emotions or being hurtful.

In all of this reflection, I came up with a list that I have shared with my kids, and I invite you to share it with yours.

Things you should be able to do independently before leaving home:

Good hygiene habits

• Brush teeth twice daily. Floss once a day. 
• Shower or bathe daily. Wash hair as needed for oil control. 
• Wash hands often. 
• Shave as needed. 
• Flush.
• Brush hair at least daily and get a hair cut regularly. 
• Clip and groom nails regularly, fingers and toes. 
• Use personal hygiene products correctly, including: deodorant, facial acne cleansers, etc. 
• Wear clean clothes and change underclothing daily. 

Healthy habits

• Get adequate sleep to wake fresh and ready for the day. Set an alarm and get up on your own. 
• Eat healthy foods and limit junk food and sodas. Be able to prepare simple healthy meals. 
• Take vitamins daily. 
• Understand common over the counter medicine indications and how much to take.
• Understand why you are taking medications (if you are), how to take them, and what is needed to get more -- is it over the counter or a prescription medicine?
• Know your medical history, including any allergies and chronic health care problems.
• Know how to take care of common injuries until they are healed. 
• Exercise regularly, at least 3 times a week. 
• Develop healthy strategies to handle stress. 

• Journal 
• Prayer or meditation 
• Sketch or other artwork
• Talk to someone openly—don’t hold bad feelings in! 
• Take a long bath 
• Think before speaking 
• Deep breathing 
• Laugh 
• Exercise 
• Schedule down time 
• Think about the problem from different points of view 
• Break big projects into small parts to be able to complete in parts 
• List the good things going on and be positive 
• Avoid overscheduling
• Learn to say "no"

• Enjoy social interactions as well as alone time. 
• Exercise the brain by doing puzzles or reading.

Things to learn

• How to cook a healthy, balanced meal. 
• How to grocery shop on a budget to incorporate nutritional balance.
• How to properly clean dishes and tidy up the kitchen after eating.
• How to balance a check book, make a budget, and pay bills on time.
• How to do easy repairs around the house.
• Understand health insurance plans - how to get them, what they cover, what is excluded.
• Basics of money investment, retirement planning, savings.
• What to do in case of a road side emergency.
• Important numbers (doctor, dentist, insurance, etc).
• How to do laundry.
• How to clean a bathroom, use a vacuum, and dust.
• How to sew basic clothing repairs (buttons, hems, etc).
• How to get help when needed.
• How to apply for a job and build a resume.
• Choose words carefully: they can build someone up or crush someone down. 
• Drugs and alcohol should be treated with respect and used only with good judgment. This judgment should take into consideration laws and safety. Our brain does not fully develop until the early/mid 20s and early use of drugs or alcohol increases the risk of addiction.

Be a good friend and responsible family member

• Be clear with plans: Look at the family calendar when making plans. Get permission from all parents involved; let family know where you will be and when you will be home. 
• Keep a phone available to be able to call when needed. Answer calls/texts from parents! 
• Treat everyone with respect: family, teachers, friends, and strangers. 
• Require that others treat you with respect. 
• Do random acts of kindness occasionally. 
• Volunteer regularly.
• If you feel unsafe, leave the situation. Tell a trusted adult as soon as possible. 
• Do only things you and your parents will be proud of. 

Things to do to show you are getting ready to leave the nest...

• Complete assigned homework and chores without reminders or nagging. 
• Keep your room picked up and clothes off the floor. 
• Hang your towel to allow it to dry between uses. 
• Clear dishes from the table. 
• Clean up after projects or play. Return all things to their proper place after using them. 
• Throw all trash in the trashcan. Recycle things that are recyclable. 
• Responsible use of cell phone, computer, and other electronics. Turn off before bedtime to allow uninterrupted sleep. 
• Spend and save money responsibly. Never spend more than you can afford. Use credit cards wisely.
• Take pride in your work: schoolwork, chores, job, and helping others. Do it to the best of your ability and ask nicely for help as needed. Recognize that work is not always fun, but necessary. Doing tasks with a good attitude will help. 
• Time organization skills: Do not procrastinate until the last minute. Plan ahead and do big projects in small steps. Be prepared with all materials you will need for a project and ask in advance if you need help acquiring items. Use tools (apps, calendar, check lists). 
• Take care of your things. Keep them in proper working order, clean, and put away. 
• Drive responsibly. 
• Accept consequences with grace. 
• Earn trust. 
• Know when to trust and follow others and when to take your own path. Make independent decisions based on your own morals. Have the courage to say "no" if something goes against your beliefs.

Homework Battle Plan

Any parent with school aged children knows that homework can be a battle.  Even good students can procrastinate, prefer to play, or have practice after school leaving little time for homework.  Then there are the kids who struggle...

I think I threw my son's middle school homeroom teacher for a loop on back to school night.  She mentioned that I can always look on line to see the assignments, and I replied something to the effect of, "I don't have homework, so I'll never look.  It is his responsibility to know what is due."  I am not an absent parent.  I do ask about his day, what he's doing in class, and what his plans are with friends.  He knows I care because I show interest in him, but I don't micro-manage his day.  I do not want to be the parent responsible for the college kid who fails because Mommy can't manage his schedule.  Of course, I know my son and he's self motivated and capable of keeping track of assignments.  Another child might need more help, but at this age I would recommend covertly looking at the assignments and guiding with questions and looking for the student to offer solutions and plans to get the work done.


How can you help your kids with homework without letting it become your problem?  I am a firm believer that kids are the students, not the parents.  Kids need to take ownership of their homework and all other aspects of school.  Of course, for many kids this is easier said than done, but I hear all too often of college kids who have Mommy call the Professor to question a grade.  That is totally unacceptable.  Kids need to practice ownership from early on.  Parents need to guide always, but manage less and less as the kids grow.

Not every solution comes from a cookie cutter mold.  Kids have different personalities and abilities.  You know your kids best.  Think how they work and what makes them tick.

Many parents underestimate the problem with missing out on basics:  sleep, nutrition, and exercise.  If kids don't get the amount of sleep they need, healthy foods, and regular exercise, they will not be as successful academically.  I have blogged on this previously, and really feel that finding balance is important for everyone.


Kids have different problems with homework at different times, and they each deserve their own solutions. Not one of these "types" fits every child perfectly. Most kids have more than one of these qualities, but tend to fit into one type best.

Procrastination:  There is always something more fun to do than work.  Kids will put off overwhelming tasks or big projects because, well, there's a lot to do.

Ask not only what homework they have for tomorrow, but if there are any big projects due in the future.  See if they can estimate how much time it will take to do the project and help them plan how much to do each night to get it done on time.  

Breaking big assignments or long worksheets into small pieces with short breaks in between can help kids focus.  Use a timer for breaks or do a fun quick activity, like silly dance to one song.

Allow kids to have some "down" time after school for a healthy snack (brain food) and to run off energy.  Limit this time with a timer to 30 minutes or so.  The timer helps kids know there is an end point to the fun, and then it's time for work.  Play can resume when work is done correctly.

Poor Self Confidence: Kids who are afraid they won't understand their homework might fear even starting. They blame the teacher for not teaching it correctly. They might complain that they are stupid or everyone else is smarter. They blame the class for being too loud, causing distraction and therefore more homework.  They might complain of chronic headaches or belly aches.

Be sure to praise when kids do things right and when they give a good try.  Be honest, but try to think of something positive to tell them each day.  When they don't meet expectations, first see if they can see the mistake and find a solution themselves.   Guide without giving the solution.  Then praise the effort!

Find their strengths and allow them to follow those.  If they are poor in math but love art, keep art materials at home and display their projects with pride.  Consider an art class.  Remember to budget time.  Over scheduling can result in anxiety, contributing to the problems. 

Perfectionist:  While the desire to do everything right has it's benefits, it can cause a lot of anxiety in kids.  These kids think through things so much that they can't complete the task.  See also the "poor self confidence" section above, because these kids are at risk for feeling they are failures if they don't get a 100% on everything.  They can have melt downs if the directions don't make sense or if they have a lot of work to do.

Help your child learn organizational techniques, such as write down assignments and estimate time to do each project. Plan how much time to spend each day on big projects and limit to that time.  Help them review their progress in the middle of big projects to see if they are on track.  If not, have them establish another calendar and learn to review why they are behind.  (No self-blame.  Is it because one step took longer than projected, they were invited to a movie and skipped a day, they got sick and were not able to work...  This helps plan the next project and builds on planning skills.)

 Remember to give attention and praise for just being your kid.  These kids feel pressure to succeed, but they need to remember that they are loved unconditionally.  

If you notice they have an incorrect answer,  state "that isn't quite right. Is there another way to approach the problem?"  

Not everything is about the grade.  Praise the effort they put into all they do, not the end point.  Make positive comments on other attributes: a funny thing they said, how they helped a younger child, how they showed concern for someone who was hurt.

Encourage them to try something new that is outside their talent.  Not only are they exploring life, but they are developing new skills, and learning to be humble if they aren't the best at this activity.  Help them praise others.  Model this behavior in your own life.  

Co-dependence:  Helicopter parenting is a term often used to describe the parent hovering over the child in everything they do. This does not allow a child to learn from failing. It does not allow a child to grow into independence.  It allows the parent to "own" the problem of homework.  These kids call home when they leave the homework or lunch on the kitchen table for Mommy to bring it to school.  These kids grow up blaming everyone when things don't go their way and Mommy can't fix it. They don't learn to stand up for themselves.  They seem constantly immature with life situations.

Young children need more guidance, but gradually decrease this as they get older.  Teachers can help guide you on age appropriate needs.  Most parents must sign a planner of younger kids, but as kids get older the kids become more responsible for knowing what the homework is.  Many schools now have websites that parents can check homework assignments, but be sure the kids own the task of knowing what is due too.  

Have a place that children can work on homework without distraction (tv, kids playing, etc).

Be available to answer questions, but don't do the work for them.  If they need help, find another way to ask the question that might help them see the solution. Get a piece of scrap paper that they can try to work through the problem.  If they have problems with reading comprehension, have them read a few lines then summarize to you what they read.   They can take notes on their summary, then read the notes after the entire chapter to get a full summary.

Busy, busy, busy:  Some kids are really busy with after school activities, others just rush through homework to get it done so they can play.

Set limits on how much screen time (tv, video games, computer time) kids can have each week day and week end.  A maximum of 10 hours per week of screen time is recommended by experts.  If they know they can't watch more than 30 minutes of tv, they are less likely to rush through homework to get to the tv.  

Ask kids to double check their work and then give to you to double check if you know they make careless mistakes.  Don't correct the mistakes, but kindly point them out and ask if they can find a better answer.  Once they learn that they have to sit at the homework station until all the work is done correctly, they might not be so quick to rush. 

If kids have after school activities the time allowed for home work and down time are affected.  Avoid over scheduling, especially in elementary school.  Be sure they have time for homework, sleep, healthy meals, and free time in addition to their activities.  Are the activities really so important that they should interfere with the basic needs of the child? Is the child mature enough to handle the work load?

Kids who are in constant motion can't seem to sit still long enough to do homework.  Be sure they have the proper balance of sleep, nutrition, and exercise or all else will fail.   Praise their efforts when they are successful.  Set a timer after school to let them play hard for 30 minutes, but then make them sit. Help little ones organize what needs to be done and break homework into several smaller jobs.  Set regular 5 minute breaks every 30 minutes so they can release energy.  Set a timer to remind them to get back to work and compliment them when they get back on task.

Struggling despite help:  There are many reasons kids struggle academically.  Reasons vary, such as behavior problems, anxiety, illness, learning disabilities, bullying, and more.

If they are struggling academically, talk with the teacher to see if there are any areas that can be worked on in class or with extra help at school.  Can the teacher offer suggestions for what to work on at home?

If kids have chronic pains or school avoidance, ask what is going on.  Depression and anxiety aren't obvious and can have vague symptoms that are different than adult symptoms.  Bullying can lead to many consequences, and many kids suffer in silence.  If your child won't talk to you, consider a trained counselor.

Talk with your pediatrician if your child is struggling academically despite resource help at school or if he suffers from chronic headaches or tummy aches.  Treating the underlying illness and ruling out medical causes of pain is important.  Depression, anxiety, ADHD, and other learning disorders can be difficult to identify, but with proper diagnosis and treatment, these kids can really succeed and improve their self confidence!