Sexual Abuse Scandals

source: www.childhelp.org

If there is any good to come out of the newspaper today, it is that people become more aware of sexual abuse.

Three stories sadden me to no end, each story related to child sexual abuse.  The links I could find below are slightly different from those in the Kansas City Star today (June 23, 2012):

• Ex-Penn St. assistant Sandusky convicted of abuse (today's front page)
• Monsignor convicted for covering up abuse claims (today A2)
• Man guilty of raping girl, 5 (today Kansas City Star page A7, link unavailable)

Unless you have been living in the wilderness without any connection to the outside world, you have heard of the Sandusky trial.  It represents that not all abusers are scary looking men who are unkempt, dirty, undereducated, or any of the number of images that come to mind when thinking what an abuser is supposed to "look" like.  They are typically well groomed, friendly people you would trust. They often abuse many children over many years without getting caught.

The Monsignor case highlights the misconception that authorities always do the right thing.  Authorities, whether they are church officials, police officers, teachers, or any other person, are human. And humans fail sometimes.  Unfortunately it appears that he knew a priest abused children, but allowed him to continue to serve the public and did not notify authorities as he should by law.  I will never know the full story.  Maybe he had so much faith in this man that he could not see clearly.  Maybe he thought he was not a threat or his solution would work.  In any case, he allowed the opportunity for more children to be hurt.  I can see how many of us could be convinced at some level that a problem is less than it is, and turn the other cheek.  Maybe we witness something concerning at the store, but decide that it isn't our business, we are overreacting, or we don't know what is going on and shouldn't get involved.  At what point are we wrong for looking the other way?  If we intervene every time a parent disciplines a child with a harsh word, we certainly will offend some otherwise great parents and possibly cause damage to their healthy family by misunderstanding their discipline and getting authorities involved.  But what if their yelling at a child in public is only a fraction of what will be done in the privacy of their home? It is a slippery slope...

The "In Brief" story from Lawrence (page A7, Kansas City Star, June 23, 2012) of a man being found guilty of raping a 5 year old girl has one sentence that haunts me: "The girl, from Eudora, first accused Walker of abuse in 2010 but recanted."  Does this mean she was subjected to pressure to recant her story? Did her family fear retaliation? Was she abused further after telling the adults she trusted?  I will never know the answers to these questions, but I hope and pray that parents hear the underlying message: believe in your children.  Talk with them openly. Watch for signs of abuse.  Seek help from child abuse experts.

Child abuse is often under-recognized by families and friends, allowing the abuse to continue for months to years before recognition and help for the child.  I have written about recognizing abuse and what to do about it previously.  Most sexual abuse victims know their abuser in some way, and often the families encourage interaction with that person because they trust them.  It is a very difficult thing as a parent to protect our children, because we want them to grow up able to have healthy relationships with others.  They cannot be excluded from sports, scouts, school, religious organizations, visiting friend's homes, and other potential risky places.  We instead need to give them the tools to recognize dangerous situations, feel confident in themselves, and be open to them sharing anything with us.  

Abusers often look for certain traits in kids: lonely, feeling of being unloved.  They groom not only the child, but the parents -- if someone seems "too good to be true" and always offering to help with your child, gives them excessive gifts, or otherwise seems to be getting very close to your child -- be very watchful.  Not all helpful adults are threats, but identifying those who are is important!  

And not all abusers are adults.  Some are other children who are experiencing abuse and are not quite sure how to deal with all of their confused feelings.  Monitor your children with other children.  Don't assume it is just "child's play" if they are being very secretive.  

Look at the lists of warning signs in the picture above from www.childhelp.org.  Sometimes there are other reasons for these signs, but be sure to address the issues if identified, preferably with an abuse expert. 

Abused children have an increased risk of psychological disorders and drug or alcohol dependency. The are also more likely to grow up and abuse more children.  We must stop the cycle.  If you suspect a child is being abused, call the hotline, 1-800-422-4453 (1-800-4-A-Child) from a safe phone.  Be sure the children get help:  not just separating them from the abuser, but also therapy to be sure they appropriately deal with the confusion, pain, and guilt the abuse can cause.  

Stop the cycle.

Sexual abuse

Recent news about a well known person repeatedly sexually abusing children over many years has many parents angry, confused, and simply aghast.

Many of us feel like we do all we can to protect our kids and our kids aren't at risk, yet statistics show that any child could be a victim.  Studies reveal that about 20% of women and 10% of men experienced sexual abuse as children.  Sexual abuse crosses all socioeconomic groups, all racial groups, all ethnicities, and all neighborhoods.  Often the perpetrators are the least suspected: a family member, a coach, a neighbor.

Signs of abuse in kids can be subtle.  They are often attributed to something else.

If kids do try to talk about feeling scared or not safe with someone: LISTEN.  They don't make this stuff up!

I appreciate the organizations that require background checks on all adults around kids.  I have had my background checked on many occasions:  job related, coaching my daughter's cheerleading squad, volunteering at my children's school, and volunteering at a local children's theater.  I was never offended by these requests and always supported these checks, but some parents grumble.  I suspect they just don't understand.  Many schools, sports organizations, and scouting organizations require teachers and volunteers to have routine background checks.   Does yours?

Do you ask if the adults supervising your children have had background checks?

Most do not.  

I am not even sure how I feel about this.  I suspect it gives a false sense of security, knowing that many abusers have many victims before being caught. They would have normal background checks.  They are often personable, friendly, someone who grooms victims and their families to gain trust. 

If background checks aren't full proof protection, what should a parent do?  I believe that the best protection about abuse is to show love to your children, educate yourself and them about abuse, and frequently talk with them.

Knowledge is Power!  

• Teaching kids about proper boundaries is important.  Let them know that their swim suit area is private, and no one should be able to look or touch there without permission from mom or dad.  
• Young children should learn their full address, phone number, first and last name (and first/last names of parents).  
• Remind kids that there are no secrets between kids and their parents.  They can tell you anything.  They can keep your birthday gift a surprise though!  Secrets that scare them are especially important to tell!  They will NEVER get in trouble for telling about a scary secret.
• Know your children's friends, their friend's parents, teachers, coaches, piano teachers, etc.  Offer to help as much as possible at school and activities. 
• Be sure there are no secluded areas in the places your child goes.  Kids should always remain in a group with adults.  A minimum of two adults is safest.  
• For your protection, if you must take other kids to a public restroom, stand in the main door with it open and let the kids go into stalls alone.
• Teach kids that adults will never need help from kids to find a missing puppy.  Adults can ask other adults, not kids, for directions if lost.  Give examples and role play. 
• Caution kids when they wear shirts with their name clearly posted on the outside that strangers will "know" their name.  Stay especially close when your kids have their name displayed.  It is easier for a stranger to trick them:  "Johnny, your mom told me to come get you.  She is hurt. Come with me."  What kid wouldn't question that???
• Question about new toys or gifts.  Kids might earn token gifts from coaches or teachers as a reward system, but if your child is getting bigger, more expensive gifts, that is a cause for alarm.
• If kids are lost, have them find another child to ask for help.  Usually the other child has a safe adult with them that can help. (Plus kids are less intimidated talking to other kids when they are already scared and lost.) 
• Parents of today need to learn about protecting kids on line.  Bullying now does not stop in the safety of one's home.  On line threats, photos, and comments follow kids everywhere and are very dangerous.  Keep computers in public areas, monitor cell phone use, teach kids to never give identifying information on line, and use a computer monitoring system.
• Abusers often target kids who are feeling unloved.  They groom those kids (and their families) by befriending them, making them feel special, and giving them gifts.  The kids start to deeply care for that person, and then the confusion of feelings does not allow the child to easily tell on the person.   Show your kids love in many ways: time spent one on one talking and playing (not watching tv), show interest in your children's activities, give good touches (ruffling hair, pat on the back, hugs), and build your child's self confidence.  

Building confidence in kids is tricky.  Be careful in how you word things... it is always okay to say "I enjoyed watching your game," whether your child was the star player or had a horrible game.  You can say something about how proud you are of the effort they put into something even if the outcome wasn't good.  Try to avoid saying "better next time," since that means they didn't do well this time.  Praise frequently and honestly from the heart.

• Create a safe environment at home. If kids witness fighting among parents, or parents don't treat others with respect, the children will learn that this is acceptable behavior.  They have a strong potential to get seriously injured at home or to enter abusive relationships as adults.  Seek help if your home is not safe!  Use a public computer if yours might be monitored and click here or call 1.800.422.4453 (1.800.4.A.Child) from a safe phone.
• Learn more about protecting against abuse and what to do if you suspect it.  There are on line resources, such as TheSafeSide or PreventChildAbuse, and locally The Sunflower House to learn about abuse.  GetNetWise and NetSmartz411 have information about keeping kids safe on line.